Having seen this news item http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-24205638, Fernandomando decided to get into old habits and write this:
Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen masterminds ‘Changing Newham Council Rooms’
One of the poorest London Boroughs today announced its delight at the prospect of being able to work with Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen on an updated series of the old BBC television series ‘Changing Rooms’.
A council spokesman told reporters, “Amidst recent depressing news this is a breath of fresh air. Newham has been in desperate need of flamboyant, profligate overspending on nonsensical fripperies for some time. We have heard the same old stories again and again and frankly it is getting depressing. Who wants to hear about us being one of the worst boroughs in London for poor health, low educational attainment, inadequate housing, blah blah blah. It’s just boring. What we need is some expensive new wallpaper, luxury light fittings and a sense of general impunity when it comes to spending public money.”
“All this talk of recession, depression, austerity and saving on public spending is sooo 2010. I’ll tell you what will dig us out of this depressing slough of despair. It is a television programme on BBC with a pre-Raphaelite fop telling us how to re-arrange our luxury sofas to add another £10,000 to the value of our utility rooms. But the modern-day twist is that Newham Council is an enlightened Council. Newham Council likes to do things on a big level, a grand level. A grand design level. Now that’s another great idea…”
Mr Llewelly-Bowen has already expressed his ‘fluffy, ambiguously metrosexual joy’ at the prospect at working with Newham Council. Speaking to reporters he said, “I see this as a chance to get very retro and bring the noughties style decadence of self-certification into a wonderful juxtaposition and semi-coherent contradiction with the more austere feelings associated with the modern era. There is a wonderful chance to reunite the whole gang. I’m already in discussions with that gardener chap Diarmuid- he’s had a terrible time recently and has had to resort to tarmacking old people’s drives just to break even. Perhaps Phil and Kirsty could join us as well. With the unlimited funds that have been irresponsibly guaranteed to us by Newham Council we might once again take over prime time BBC television.”
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