Monday, March 17, 2014

UKIP pick 'What does the Fox Say' as their party anthem

In preparation for the long awaited televised debate with political heavyweight and principled statesman Nick Clegg, Nigel Farage and senior members of UKIP have addressed their minds to the most appropriate song for a party political anthem.
“It needs to be catchy, to appeal to the public in general, and make a statement about the party itself and what it stands for,” said Mr Farage, “We all remember the, frankly, rather middle of the road D-Ream theme tune to Labour's election winning campaign when Blair and his cronies first came to power. It seems that bland statements of purpose are all the better when set to popular dance music with repetitive beats and a sterile and forgettable lead singer. Well, that might be all well and good for the traditional parties, but we at UKIP believe we have found the ideal song with our choice of 'What does the Fox Say?'
Many have accused UKIP of cashing in on an immensely popular internet phenomenon of 2013. Others see no possible link between isolationist national policies and a humorous Norwegian satire of bland popular musical boy band soul searching ballads. However, some critics have pointed out the song 'What does the Fox Say?' is very popular with children and other necessarily naïve members of society. It has a catchy beat and deals with a real question in an amusingly immature manner. It also features dancing. Dancing in the woods. They associate this with UKIP who have made significant political inroads into some of the most troubling questions faced by society without really knowing what they actually stand for or what they are even talking about. Despite this they manage to appeal to the politically ignorant majority on a level that, when afforded even a little thought, is deeply absurd.
Further, the parts of the song where guesses are made at the fox's true sound compare very well with the majority of the rhetoric coming from UKIP. “When the song degenerates to possible fox sounds, we expect many UKIP members and sympathisers to engage with this carefully crafted gibberish. It is something that they understand and like. The video even features dancing in the woods,” said one analyst.
Other parties are more hesitant with their choice of song. Ed Milliband is understood to have rejected the idea of 'War Pigs' by Black Sabbath on the grounds that 'it belongs to a previous era of Labour Government' and David Cameron is said to be undecided on whether or not to use the classic Talking Heads song 'Pscyho Killer'. Nick Clegg is apparently listening to everything by Steps and S-Club 7 in a search for a saccharine popular ballad that lacks depth or any real spine.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen masterminds ‘Changing Newham Council Rooms’

Having seen this news item, Fernandomando decided to get into old habits and write this:

Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen masterminds ‘Changing Newham Council Rooms’

One of the poorest London Boroughs today announced its delight at the prospect of being able to work with Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen on an updated series of the old BBC television series ‘Changing Rooms’.

A council spokesman told reporters, “Amidst recent depressing news this is a breath of fresh air. Newham has been in desperate need of flamboyant, profligate overspending on nonsensical fripperies for some time. We have heard the same old stories again and again and frankly it is getting depressing. Who wants to hear about us being one of the worst boroughs in London for poor health, low educational attainment, inadequate housing, blah blah blah. It’s just boring. What we need is some expensive new wallpaper, luxury light fittings and a sense of general impunity when it comes to spending public money.”

“All this talk of recession, depression, austerity and saving on public spending is sooo 2010. I’ll tell you what will dig us out of this depressing slough of despair. It is a television programme on BBC with a pre-Raphaelite fop telling us how to re-arrange our luxury sofas to add another £10,000 to the value of our utility rooms. But the modern-day twist is that Newham Council is an enlightened Council. Newham Council likes to do things on a big level, a grand level. A grand design level. Now that’s another great idea…”

Mr Llewelly-Bowen has already expressed his ‘fluffy, ambiguously metrosexual joy’ at the prospect at working with Newham Council. Speaking to reporters he said, “I see this as a chance to get very retro and bring the noughties style decadence of self-certification into a wonderful juxtaposition and semi-coherent contradiction with the more austere feelings associated with the modern era. There is a wonderful chance to reunite the whole gang. I’m already in discussions with that gardener chap Diarmuid- he’s had a terrible time recently and has had to resort to tarmacking old people’s drives just to break even. Perhaps Phil and Kirsty could join us as well. With the unlimited funds that have been irresponsibly guaranteed to us by Newham Council we might once again take over prime time BBC television.”

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Blogger reveals truth about conspiracy theories and chemtrails

The world was stunned today as Peter Wells revealed shocking truths about the unknown ruling elite who are the puppetmasters of international government. In a new post on his personal blog he announced a series of shocking revelations that has sent ordinary people’s understanding of the world into utter turmoil. The incredible truths included suggestions that psychic energy from the ether, combined with the power of the proletariat orgasm, can effectively battle the evil chemical trails being placed in the atmosphere by a whole host of budget airlines cynically calling their lengthy high atmospheric trails ‘mere contrails that always happen with jet engines at high altitudes and are simply more widespread owing to the increase in international air travel’. Makers of orgonite, the special substance of metal and fibreglass designed to harvest the psychic-orgasmic energy in the surrounding ether of our general auras, hailed his blog as a final vindication of their oft-questioned ideas. A spokesman told a specialist reporter ‘For too long have we been labelled as rather sad depressed lunatics who waste a lot of money and resources trying to alter meteorological phenomena with no rational scientific method other than a blind faith in the works of an entirely discredited lunatic of the early 20th Century. Following this revolutionary blog post we can continue work on orgasmatrons and will boil vinegar in our backgardens and to hell with the County Court actions for nuisance’. Incredibly, it turns out that the controllers of all western democracies are shape shifting reptilians who infiltrated world power some years ago. Mr Wells told stunned reporters ‘Although I have a profound ignorance of several millennia of world history, I have considered some very specific aspects of the Nazi regime and the second world war. It is so obvious that I cannot understand why everyone else fails to share my opinion. They are obviously blind to the truth. And those skeptics who went to university have simply been indoctrinated with limited thoughts from the sinister ruling illuminati elite. All that is needed is a casual trawl of internet blogs and sites put up by dedicated fellow revolutionaries who are prepared to sacrifice all social skills and hope of any relationship with the opposite sex. These people know the truth, because they trawl the internet to find material that will prove their romantic notion of a vast global conspiracy. I know who I would rather trust, and it is not anyone who has done post-doctoral research in any kind of science. The true effect on the working man is currently unknown. However, such confident pronouncement of the true nature of the workings of the world has caused many impressionable housewives to champion his postings. They especially like the part about orgasms.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Actual April Fools email

This is an email I sent to a number of lawyers who are known for their keen forensic skill. many of them believed it, despite the reference to 'April fuel' at the end.

Many of you may be unaware that chambers has signed up for the test scheme of 'barristers via Skype' that is being introduced in pilot areas in selected Crown Courts around the country.

Because of this scheme we will be permitted to attend certain hearings via a Skype videolink. This is set to coincide with paperless trials and has the benefit of enabling us to maximise our efficiency. Where we do not have to physically attend court we can attend mentions in, say, Newcastle, Cardiff and Canterbury all in one morning.

There are a few requirements for the pilot.

1) you must agree to dressing appropriately. Although you will be working at home, you will still be deemed present in whichever Crown Court you appear in.

2) You must have a policy to minimise the disruptive effect of disapproving partners or your small children. It is accepted by judges that interruption may occur by partners or spouses asking for car keys or complaining that certain household chores have not been completed. Also, young children may interrupt hearings as they ask to be able to play, go to the park or inform you that their nappy needs changing.

So long as you have a policy that you can email to the relevant judge, you will find them to be accommodating when such matters occur.

3) A paypal account. The LSC is devolving its responsibilities to paypal and eBay for the payment of barristers, so a paypal account is essential if you want to get paid.

Finally, I hope you make the most of this scheme. It should increase your profitability and should reduce your travel and travel costs considerably. In light of the recent petrol fiasco, it is important to make savings where we can, especially on April fuel.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Green graffiti cleaner loses position with Isle of Wight Council

Derek Johnson, at one stage dubbed a green pioneer for his work with natural cleaning products, has been made redundant after his lemon juice inspired rapid response graffiti cleaning services proved too costly for the Isle of Wight Council.

A spokesman for the council reflected on Derek’s years of service:

‘Derek may be described as an eco-cleaning pioneer. When he first started, most cleaning firms utilised cheaper, industrial solvents for the swift removal of various graffiti tags. But they did so at a cost. A negligible cost to the local environment. It was just too much for Derek.
He stood as the lone voice against the establishment. He risked everything he had to save a minor regional locality from minimal to unnoticeable environmental damage, instead choosing the natural power of lemons.

Derek reaped the benefit of his new scheme, even meeting his wife when he was working in a lift at County Hall. He was busy in a lift removing graffiti that said 'Mandy Smith sucks cocks for 50p- IT'S TRUE’ when his future wife got in the same lift as him. It was love at first sight.

United by their mutual love of citric acid, they quickly wasted much of their time and physical strength cleaning up very minor graffiti. They lived a happy and harmonious, if woefully naive and sheltered, life until the council finally decided to cut the minor cleaning services budget and prevent any further shameful inefficiency.’

In many ways, Derek’s is a story of the magic of real life, of triumph over adversity, of cheaper, mass produced industrial solvents over expensive organic lemon juice pressed unsustainably to form uneconomic cleaning products.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Draft resignation letter

In these times of economic woe, some people might still find a little integrity in their lives and wish to resign from a job that is going nowhere. For those people, I have drafted a resignation letter that I offer free to the world:

Dear [etc]

It is with much regret that I must now offer my resignation.

I have taken the decision to leave the comfort of full time, secure employment and I wish to enter the uncertainty of a fragile and depressed labour market. While some might call this brave, foolhardy, or even culpably reckless; I know that the experience I have gained from this job and my dealings with you all has helped to make this decision an easy one.

I take with me a unique set of skills. I can honestly say that I do not think the training and experience that I experienced at [insert]will ever be replicated in any other workplace either here or abroad, or in the future or the present or the past.

Most of all, my experience of working at [insert] with you all has left me with real life experience and has sharpened my ambitions considerably. I now desperately wish for that one day in the future when I will finally be able to work alongside informed professionals who work with skill and courtesy; real and genuine people who find time to see beyond tedious routine and adolescent bullying and incompetence. In many ways, you are all the collective measure by which I will judge my future success; the point at which sanity and humanity sits well above.

Thank you all

Yours etc etc

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Middle aged gangsta rappers update their beverages of choice

As gangsta rappers enter their middle age, a growing trend is being seen to mix tonic with their gin, rather than juice. Rappers are changing their drinking habits in line with their age.

Previously, some rappers would sing popular rhymes about how they would cruise down the strip, smoking endos and sipping on gin and juice. The words of such songs have now been changed to reflect their more civilised outlook on their surroundings. Snoop Doggy Dogg now raps that he still cruises down the strip, smoking endo, sipping on gin and tonic.

‘For me it was the ideal change,’ said Mr Dogg, ‘it is a hard life to be hanging with my homies all day, avoiding the gangbangers and the car jackers, and trying to find the bitches. What is necessary is an afternoon aperitif to soothe the brain and calm the nerves. I find the youthful drink of gin and juice so vulgar. I was delighted to change the mixer to tonic. Obviously, the diet version. And it is divine with a slice of lime and an ice cube.’

Speaking of Ice Cube, the aging ex-member of pioneering rap group NWA is now more than partial to medium sweet sherry in the afternoon. Famous for rapping songs that contained lyrics such as, ‘none of my homies got killed in South Central LA, today was a good day,’ Mr Cube has now revised his songs to include the lyrics, ‘None of my sweet sherry got spilled on my antique silver tray, today was a good day.’

Finally, pioneering rapper and producer Dr Dre has revealed his partiality for Snowball cocktails. ‘I have fond memories of studying for my PhD,’ he said, ‘and I really enjoyed a nice snowball during moments of writer’s block. Obviously, I have experimented with other drinks, most notably ‘Jagerbull’ which is apparently number one in the USA, according to my local Wetherspoon’s, but for me, there is nothing better than a few snowballs. I love everything to do with Advocaat.