Actual April Fools email

This is an email I sent to a number of lawyers who are known for their keen forensic skill. many of them believed it, despite the reference to 'April fuel' at the end.

Many of you may be unaware that chambers has signed up for the test scheme of 'barristers via Skype' that is being introduced in pilot areas in selected Crown Courts around the country.

Because of this scheme we will be permitted to attend certain hearings via a Skype videolink. This is set to coincide with paperless trials and has the benefit of enabling us to maximise our efficiency. Where we do not have to physically attend court we can attend mentions in, say, Newcastle, Cardiff and Canterbury all in one morning.

There are a few requirements for the pilot.

1) you must agree to dressing appropriately. Although you will be working at home, you will still be deemed present in whichever Crown Court you appear in.

2) You must have a policy to minimise the disruptive effect of disapproving partners or your small children. It is accepted by judges that interruption may occur by partners or spouses asking for car keys or complaining that certain household chores have not been completed. Also, young children may interrupt hearings as they ask to be able to play, go to the park or inform you that their nappy needs changing.

So long as you have a policy that you can email to the relevant judge, you will find them to be accommodating when such matters occur.

3) A paypal account. The LSC is devolving its responsibilities to paypal and eBay for the payment of barristers, so a paypal account is essential if you want to get paid.

Finally, I hope you make the most of this scheme. It should increase your profitability and should reduce your travel and travel costs considerably. In light of the recent petrol fiasco, it is important to make savings where we can, especially on April fuel.

Green graffiti cleaner loses position with Isle of Wight Council

Derek Johnson, at one stage dubbed a green pioneer for his work with natural cleaning products, has been made redundant after his lemon juice inspired rapid response graffiti cleaning services proved too costly for the Isle of Wight Council.

A spokesman for the council reflected on Derek’s years of service:

‘Derek may be described as an eco-cleaning pioneer. When he first started, most cleaning firms utilised cheaper, industrial solvents for the swift removal of various graffiti tags. But they did so at a cost. A negligible cost to the local environment. It was just too much for Derek.
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He stood as the lone voice against the establishment. He risked everything he had to save a minor regional locality from minimal to unnoticeable environmental damage, instead choosing the natural power of lemons.

Derek reaped the benefit of his new scheme, even meeting his wife when he was working in a lift at County Hall. He was busy in a lift removing graffiti that said 'Mandy Smith sucks cocks for 50p- IT'S TRUE’ when his future wife got in the same lift as him. It was love at first sight.

United by their mutual love of citric acid, they quickly wasted much of their time and physical strength cleaning up very minor graffiti. They lived a happy and harmonious, if woefully naive and sheltered, life until the council finally decided to cut the minor cleaning services budget and prevent any further shameful inefficiency.’

In many ways, Derek’s is a story of the magic of real life, of triumph over adversity, of cheaper, mass produced industrial solvents over expensive organic lemon juice pressed unsustainably to form uneconomic cleaning products.

Draft resignation letter

In these times of economic woe, some people might still find a little integrity in their lives and wish to resign from a job that is going nowhere. For those people, I have drafted a resignation letter that I offer free to the world:

Dear [etc]

It is with much regret that I must now offer my resignation.

I have taken the decision to leave the comfort of full time, secure employment and I wish to enter the uncertainty of a fragile and depressed labour market. While some might call this brave, foolhardy, or even culpably reckless; I know that the experience I have gained from this job and my dealings with you all has helped to make this decision an easy one.

I take with me a unique set of skills. I can honestly say that I do not think the training and experience that I experienced at [insert]will ever be replicated in any other workplace either here or abroad, or in the future or the present or the past.

Most of all, my experience of working at [insert] with you all has left me with real life experience and has sharpened my ambitions considerably. I now desperately wish for that one day in the future when I will finally be able to work alongside informed professionals who work with skill and courtesy; real and genuine people who find time to see beyond tedious routine and adolescent bullying and incompetence. In many ways, you are all the collective measure by which I will judge my future success; the point at which sanity and humanity sits well above.

Thank you all

Yours etc etc

Middle aged gangsta rappers update their beverages of choice

As gangsta rappers enter their middle age, a growing trend is being seen to mix tonic with their gin, rather than juice. Rappers are changing their drinking habits in line with their age.

Previously, some rappers would sing popular rhymes about how they would cruise down the strip, smoking endos and sipping on gin and juice. The words of such songs have now been changed to reflect their more civilised outlook on their surroundings. Snoop Doggy Dogg now raps that he still cruises down the strip, smoking endo, sipping on gin and tonic.

‘For me it was the ideal change,’ said Mr Dogg, ‘it is a hard life to be hanging with my homies all day, avoiding the gangbangers and the car jackers, and trying to find the bitches. What is necessary is an afternoon aperitif to soothe the brain and calm the nerves. I find the youthful drink of gin and juice so vulgar. I was delighted to change the mixer to tonic. Obviously, the diet version. And it is divine with a slice of lime and an ice cube.’

Speaking of Ice Cube, the aging ex-member of pioneering rap group NWA is now more than partial to medium sweet sherry in the afternoon. Famous for rapping songs that contained lyrics such as, ‘none of my homies got killed in South Central LA, today was a good day,’ Mr Cube has now revised his songs to include the lyrics, ‘None of my sweet sherry got spilled on my antique silver tray, today was a good day.’

Finally, pioneering rapper and producer Dr Dre has revealed his partiality for Snowball cocktails. ‘I have fond memories of studying for my PhD,’ he said, ‘and I really enjoyed a nice snowball during moments of writer’s block. Obviously, I have experimented with other drinks, most notably ‘Jagerbull’ which is apparently number one in the USA, according to my local Wetherspoon’s, but for me, there is nothing better than a few snowballs. I love everything to do with Advocaat.

Cameron authorises super soaker water pistols for riot police

Following an emergency debate in the House of Commons, David Cameron today announced that, in conjunction with the deployment of anti-riot water canons, police will be issued with super soaker water pistols as an extra weapon in their public order armoury.

‘Heavy anti-riot artillery, such as the water canon, is a blunt sword,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘Such a weapon is important in the preservation or public order, but is useless without individual policemen being able to engage on a more localised level. Now that we have authorised the deployment of the water canon, we must also authorise the micro-artillery of the super soaker ant-riot personal attack weapon, a device of proven effectiveness and surgical precision.’

Riot police will be able to use their pump action water pistols to take on individual rioters in the midst of heated frenzy. With increased accuracy, range, and longevity these high powered weapons replace the standard luminous yellow digital pump pistol that proved largely ineffective in Tottenham, Croydon and Manchester.

Police have welcomed the announcement. The Association of Chief Police Officers issued the following statement, ‘We welcome the government’s authorisation of these weapons. We have been asking for garishly coloured, pump action, high pressure water dispensers for some time. We are sure that those involved in looting, riot, and violence will think again if faced with the prospect of getting a humiliating soaking. We only wish that Mr Cameron would also authorise Non-Expanding Recreational Foam guns too.’

Legislators to adopt ‘knee-jerk emotive response’ policy

In the light of media hysteria and emotional complaints at various poorly reported news stories, David Cameron has agreed that ‘lessons will be learned’ in Parliament when it comes to debates on legislation. In future, any proposed parliamentary bill will have a comments section for concerned members of the public to enter the debate. Power will be given to various sources, including those internet based forums of the Daily Mail, mumsnet, and the Sun to provoke emotive irrational debate on the issues of the day.

‘We take it as a truth universally acknowledged that all policeman are always absolutely right in anything that they say, and that criminals are an entirely different species from the put-upon decent middle classes. We also, belatedly, acknowledge that our law making has been too dispassionate and uninvolved. What is needed is far less clear intellectual forward thinking, and much more mob-appeasing emotive kneejerk reaction to the stories of the day. In future we will listen to the outraged morons who have given opinions that last passionately, but for no more than one week.’

‘To that end, we have planned emergency legislation to imprison toddlers who have been found committing crimes. Apparently the law sets an arbitrary limit of criminal responsibility at the age of 10. This is ridiculous. All children know the difference between right and wrong, and must therefore face the true strength of badly thought out law. We propose that hanging would be too good for 3 year olds who cause minor anti-social nuisance in their communities. Their parents, too, are to blame, because they form part of the poor underclass who claim enormous benefits at taxpayers expense, while still finding money for heroin.’

‘Despite my brother being a leading barrister, I have decided that all lawyers should be rounded up and kicked out of this country. What does a modern society need a lawyer for, when we can rely on our innate lower middle class notion of what is right and what is wrong? This, coupled with an astonishingly submissive embrace of serfdom, is what will make our country great again, and able to turn around to everyone who is unelected and a bureaucrat and is based in Europe and tell them to get lost. Further, we have taken the view that there are too many human rights. The Human Rights Act is an absolute disgrace and is simply political correctness gone made. Let us be clear, every right minded average working man with a well grounded mob mentality disagrees that humans should have any rights whatsoever. We agree and we will take them away.’

Timeshare tragedy as mad matador mauls mascot

Bernardino the Bull, the mascot of the children’s club at a popular timeshare resort in Mallorca, was brutally slain mid hokey-cokey by an out of work matador who had fatally erred in his bovine taxonomy. Bernardino had already performed a number of his standard songs and dances, including a song that reiterated his love of swimming and beach volleyball, when Jose Manuel Ximinez leapt straight into the circle, revealed his carefully hidden sword, and mortally wounded the entertainer unlucky enough to be dressed as Bernardino. Horrifically, just as the pre-recorded soundtrack announced that ‘you put your right arm in, your right arm out, in, out, in, out, shake it all about,’ Mr Ximinez performed the tercio de muerte on the bull he thought he was there to slay.

Following his arrest, the local police revealed that Mr Ximinez had been driven temporarily insane by a full day of timeshare marketing by the local resort representatives. The chief of local police announced, “We are satisfied that Mr Ximinez had made a trip to the resort to purchase an overpriced meal of average quality at one of the resort’s restaurants. While he was there he was cornered by members of the timeshare sales team who told him that, for just twenty thousand euros, he could actually save money on further poor quality cuisine.”

According to the forensic psychiatrist, Mr Ximinez suffered a complete breakdown when it was explained to him that the maintenance charge was ‘easily achievable’. At that point, he ran screaming down to the stage where, tragically, Bernardino the bull was dancing with a group of children. Mr Ximinez, in a deluded rage, interpreted the accompanying entertainers as banderilleros and immediately slipped back into his old routine. With a cold strike of his lethal blade, Bernardino the bull fell.

Mr Ximinez has been detained in the local secure psychiatric unit for an indefinite period. However, Mr Ximinez was fortunate enough to join the flexible points scheme with the resort and therefore has the opportunity to store up his missed weeks in detention to take all at once upon release. .