Fernando's Bassoon

Green graffiti cleaner loses position with Isle of Wight Council

2011-11-22T01:48:00.000Z

Derek Johnson, at one stage dubbed a green pioneer for his work with natural cleaning products, has been made redundant after his lemon juice inspired rapid response graffiti cleaning services proved too costly for the Isle of Wight Council.

A spokesman for the council reflected on Derek’s years of service:

‘Derek may be described as an eco-cleaning pioneer. When he first started, most cleaning firms utilised cheaper, industrial solvents for the swift removal of various graffiti tags. But they did so at a cost. A negligible cost to the local environment. It was just too much for Derek.
.
He stood as the lone voice against the establishment. He risked everything he had to save a minor regional locality from minimal to unnoticeable environmental damage, instead choosing the natural power of lemons.

Derek reaped the benefit of his new scheme, even meeting his wife when he was working in a lift at County Hall. He was busy in a lift removing graffiti that said 'Mandy Smith sucks cocks for 50p- IT'S TRUE’ when his future wife got in the same lift as him. It was love at first sight.

United by their mutual love of citric acid, they quickly wasted much of their time and physical strength cleaning up very minor graffiti. They lived a happy and harmonious, if woefully naive and sheltered, life until the council finally decided to cut the minor cleaning services budget and prevent any further shameful inefficiency.’

In many ways, Derek’s is a story of the magic of real life, of triumph over adversity, of cheaper, mass produced industrial solvents over expensive organic lemon juice pressed unsustainably to form uneconomic cleaning products.

Draft resignation letter

2011-11-17T11:26:00.001Z

In these times of economic woe, some people might still find a little integrity in their lives and wish to resign from a job that is going nowhere. For those people, I have drafted a resignation letter that I offer free to the world:

Dear [etc]

It is with much regret that I must now offer my resignation.

I have taken the decision to leave the comfort of full time, secure employment and I wish to enter the uncertainty of a fragile and depressed labour market. While some might call this brave, foolhardy, or even culpably reckless; I know that the experience I have gained from this job and my dealings with you all has helped to make this decision an easy one.

I take with me a unique set of skills. I can honestly say that I do not think the training and experience that I experienced at [insert]will ever be replicated in any other workplace either here or abroad, or in the future or the present or the past.

Most of all, my experience of working at [insert] with you all has left me with real life experience and has sharpened my ambitions considerably. I now desperately wish for that one day in the future when I will finally be able to work alongside informed professionals who work with skill and courtesy; real and genuine people who find time to see beyond tedious routine and adolescent bullying and incompetence. In many ways, you are all the collective measure by which I will judge my future success; the point at which sanity and humanity sits well above.

Thank you all

Yours etc etc

Middle aged gangsta rappers update their beverages of choice

2011-11-08T23:57:00.001Z

As gangsta rappers enter their middle age, a growing trend is being seen to mix tonic with their gin, rather than juice. Rappers are changing their drinking habits in line with their age.

Previously, some rappers would sing popular rhymes about how they would cruise down the strip, smoking endos and sipping on gin and juice. The words of such songs have now been changed to reflect their more civilised outlook on their surroundings. Snoop Doggy Dogg now raps that he still cruises down the strip, smoking endo, sipping on gin and tonic.

‘For me it was the ideal change,’ said Mr Dogg, ‘it is a hard life to be hanging with my homies all day, avoiding the gangbangers and the car jackers, and trying to find the bitches. What is necessary is an afternoon aperitif to soothe the brain and calm the nerves. I find the youthful drink of gin and juice so vulgar. I was delighted to change the mixer to tonic. Obviously, the diet version. And it is divine with a slice of lime and an ice cube.’

Speaking of Ice Cube, the aging ex-member of pioneering rap group NWA is now more than partial to medium sweet sherry in the afternoon. Famous for rapping songs that contained lyrics such as, ‘none of my homies got killed in South Central LA, today was a good day,’ Mr Cube has now revised his songs to include the lyrics, ‘None of my sweet sherry got spilled on my antique silver tray, today was a good day.’

Finally, pioneering rapper and producer Dr Dre has revealed his partiality for Snowball cocktails. ‘I have fond memories of studying for my PhD,’ he said, ‘and I really enjoyed a nice snowball during moments of writer’s block. Obviously, I have experimented with other drinks, most notably ‘Jagerbull’ which is apparently number one in the USA, according to my local Wetherspoon’s, but for me, there is nothing better than a few snowballs. I love everything to do with Advocaat.

Cameron authorises super soaker water pistols for riot police

2011-08-11T22:55:00.000+01:00

Following an emergency debate in the House of Commons, David Cameron today announced that, in conjunction with the deployment of anti-riot water canons, police will be issued with super soaker water pistols as an extra weapon in their public order armoury.

‘Heavy anti-riot artillery, such as the water canon, is a blunt sword,’ said Mr Cameron, ‘Such a weapon is important in the preservation or public order, but is useless without individual policemen being able to engage on a more localised level. Now that we have authorised the deployment of the water canon, we must also authorise the micro-artillery of the super soaker ant-riot personal attack weapon, a device of proven effectiveness and surgical precision.’

Riot police will be able to use their pump action water pistols to take on individual rioters in the midst of heated frenzy. With increased accuracy, range, and longevity these high powered weapons replace the standard luminous yellow digital pump pistol that proved largely ineffective in Tottenham, Croydon and Manchester.

Police have welcomed the announcement. The Association of Chief Police Officers issued the following statement, ‘We welcome the government’s authorisation of these weapons. We have been asking for garishly coloured, pump action, high pressure water dispensers for some time. We are sure that those involved in looting, riot, and violence will think again if faced with the prospect of getting a humiliating soaking. We only wish that Mr Cameron would also authorise Non-Expanding Recreational Foam guns too.’

Legislators to adopt ‘knee-jerk emotive response’ policy

2011-07-01T02:16:00.000+01:00

In the light of media hysteria and emotional complaints at various poorly reported news stories, David Cameron has agreed that ‘lessons will be learned’ in Parliament when it comes to debates on legislation. In future, any proposed parliamentary bill will have a comments section for concerned members of the public to enter the debate. Power will be given to various sources, including those internet based forums of the Daily Mail, mumsnet, and the Sun to provoke emotive irrational debate on the issues of the day.

‘We take it as a truth universally acknowledged that all policeman are always absolutely right in anything that they say, and that criminals are an entirely different species from the put-upon decent middle classes. We also, belatedly, acknowledge that our law making has been too dispassionate and uninvolved. What is needed is far less clear intellectual forward thinking, and much more mob-appeasing emotive kneejerk reaction to the stories of the day. In future we will listen to the outraged morons who have given opinions that last passionately, but for no more than one week.’

‘To that end, we have planned emergency legislation to imprison toddlers who have been found committing crimes. Apparently the law sets an arbitrary limit of criminal responsibility at the age of 10. This is ridiculous. All children know the difference between right and wrong, and must therefore face the true strength of badly thought out law. We propose that hanging would be too good for 3 year olds who cause minor anti-social nuisance in their communities. Their parents, too, are to blame, because they form part of the poor underclass who claim enormous benefits at taxpayers expense, while still finding money for heroin.’

‘Despite my brother being a leading barrister, I have decided that all lawyers should be rounded up and kicked out of this country. What does a modern society need a lawyer for, when we can rely on our innate lower middle class notion of what is right and what is wrong? This, coupled with an astonishingly submissive embrace of serfdom, is what will make our country great again, and able to turn around to everyone who is unelected and a bureaucrat and is based in Europe and tell them to get lost. Further, we have taken the view that there are too many human rights. The Human Rights Act is an absolute disgrace and is simply political correctness gone made. Let us be clear, every right minded average working man with a well grounded mob mentality disagrees that humans should have any rights whatsoever. We agree and we will take them away.’

Timeshare tragedy as mad matador mauls mascot

2011-04-06T23:57:00.000+01:00

Bernardino the Bull, the mascot of the children’s club at a popular timeshare resort in Mallorca, was brutally slain mid hokey-cokey by an out of work matador who had fatally erred in his bovine taxonomy. Bernardino had already performed a number of his standard songs and dances, including a song that reiterated his love of swimming and beach volleyball, when Jose Manuel Ximinez leapt straight into the circle, revealed his carefully hidden sword, and mortally wounded the entertainer unlucky enough to be dressed as Bernardino. Horrifically, just as the pre-recorded soundtrack announced that ‘you put your right arm in, your right arm out, in, out, in, out, shake it all about,’ Mr Ximinez performed the tercio de muerte on the bull he thought he was there to slay.

Following his arrest, the local police revealed that Mr Ximinez had been driven temporarily insane by a full day of timeshare marketing by the local resort representatives. The chief of local police announced, “We are satisfied that Mr Ximinez had made a trip to the resort to purchase an overpriced meal of average quality at one of the resort’s restaurants. While he was there he was cornered by members of the timeshare sales team who told him that, for just twenty thousand euros, he could actually save money on further poor quality cuisine.”

According to the forensic psychiatrist, Mr Ximinez suffered a complete breakdown when it was explained to him that the maintenance charge was ‘easily achievable’. At that point, he ran screaming down to the stage where, tragically, Bernardino the bull was dancing with a group of children. Mr Ximinez, in a deluded rage, interpreted the accompanying entertainers as banderilleros and immediately slipped back into his old routine. With a cold strike of his lethal blade, Bernardino the bull fell.

Mr Ximinez has been detained in the local secure psychiatric unit for an indefinite period. However, Mr Ximinez was fortunate enough to join the flexible points scheme with the resort and therefore has the opportunity to store up his missed weeks in detention to take all at once upon release. .

Intellectually challenged militant-socialists bring down school hierarchy

2011-02-16T22:18:00.000Z

The Isle of Wight branch of the Militant Extreme Socialist Society (“MESS”) today launched an unprecedented assault on the class system that it perceived in the local community. Employing a whole range of common agricultural implements from their collective smallholding, they marched on three local primary schools, swiftly deposing the headteachers and immediately abolishing the ‘class system’ that had been in place at those institutions.

Announcing the revolution to thirty bewildered and visibly upset 8 year olds, the socialist plan was made clear. MESS swiftly instructed all children that there would no longer be division of the [school] population into classes. Instead, there would be a general collective of which everyone was part, and no one person was bigger than. There would no longer be a headteacher; instead there would be a nominal figurehead that represented the collective enfranchisement of all members of the school who would be granted absolute power insofar as he or she had to maintain the integrity of the workers’ struggle against oppression.

The revolution was sadly not completely smooth. One unfortunate child was given school detention for a term of 21 years after daring to question whether the supply of Snickers Bars in the school tuck shop would continue to meet the demand previously shown. Several class teachers and members of the PTA were executed as being the ringleaders behind various ‘cake sales’: such behaviour clearly giving out a pro-capitalist message.

‘We have achieved a mini-socialist revolution via our crude agricultural weapons,’ announced a jubilant member of MESS, ‘These children will no longer be trained to become exploited resources of the capitalist state. We reject this curriculum that trains children to be the puppets of the financial system, and instead intend to apply forthwith for Academy status so that the true socialist message can prevail.’

Delia Smith launches cookery book in 'Manga' style

2011-01-04T01:13:00.000Z

Following the lead from other pioneering celebrity chefs, Delia Smith today launched a new cookery book for the Marks and Spencer generation just in time for the January sales. What distinguishes her literature from other staid and mundane middle class tomes is the fact that all her recipes and cooking instructions have been portrayed in the style of Japanese Manga comics.

'I have always been a great fan of Japanese popular culture,' said Norfolk resident Ms Smith, 'many people think that Manga is simply the preserve of the middle aged adolescent male who fantasises about psychopathic brutality and hardcore pornography. But plainly, this is not the case. This is why I chose to be far more experimental with my 2011 cookery book. To be honest, not only was it about time, but it was also far less expensive than coming up with some old crap about organic farming in Yorkshire featuring Janet Street-Porter.'

Celebrity-cookery-literary-criticism, already a degree subject at Nottingham-Trent University, has celebrated the dawn of what it calls 'a new era' of culinary prose. Special praise has been bestowed on the advice Ms Smith gives on how to loosely chop shallots: "Leap six feet into the air whilst deploying one's samurai sword (available at Marks and Spencers as part of the Dine in for 2 for £10 offer), and while making observations about one's plans for ultimate revenge against a dangerous local crime lord, bring down said samurai sword in straight and even cuts on the peeled shallot.'

Some, however, have been less enthusiastic in their review of the new style. 'Delia Smith is merely cashing in on an established format to make more money for herself,' said the producers of the 'Scary Movie' franchise, 'We are unimpressed with her recipes and they reveal nothing new. Also, we have serious concerns that she has, in fact, overcomplicated some very basic culinary tasks. We think that very few people have the skills, let alone the inclination, to find the ideal sniper's position from 1.5 km away, calculate the drop and intended ricochet, just so they can take the core out of an apple.'

Tea gardens dismayed at government crackdown on 'all you can drink' offers

2010-11-23T23:54:00.000Z

Proprietors of tea gardens are said to be 'very disappointed' at the government's announcement that there will soon be an end to premises offering an 'all you can drink' policy. The tradition of unlimited tea and coffee at quaint tea gardens around the country looks set to come to an end.

Iris Bailey, 83, the proprietor of 'Ye Thatched Worlde Olde Tea Gardens' in Ventnor, on the Isle of Wight, explained the sense of outrage felt by owners or tea gardens that they will no longer be able to permit 'all you can drink' or 'free refill' offers for patrons of their tea gardens, 'In this day and age, with increasing competition from supermarkets, the industry is being forced to come up with more and more inventive ideas to attract and retain customers. Ever since supermarkets started offering crazy deals of, for example, 80 tea bags for one pound sixty pence, we have had to compete with the growing 'home market'. Every week, more and more tea gardens go out of business because customers are just not coming in.'

However, a spokesman for the Home Office explained some of the darker aspects of the offers that were currently available, 'Some people might be astonished to learn that Tea Gardens are deploying highly organised tactics in their cynical attempts to force as much tea as possible down the throats of their customers. We have heard reports of organised coach tours, full to the brim with tea-thirsty pensioners, featuring the 'all the tea you can drink for five pounds' deal and actually stopping off at tea gardens around the country. Some combine such an offer with scones, jam and clotted cream. No thought is given to the attendant problems and costs that are involved. The NHS regularly has to draft in extra orthopaedic surgeons to deal with the health difficulties that these travelling tea-addicted pensioners bring with them. The traffic systems of quaint villages and country roads simply cannot deal with coach loads of silver haired caffeine-addicts on a regular basis. Villages up and down the country are being overwhelmed by the inane chat which generally accompanies the consumption of tea. Enough is enough. This must be stopped.'

Cyril Johnson, 74, a self-confessed tea drinker, explained the attraction of the tea garden offers, 'I love tea, and I love drinking tea to excess. These offers in tea gardens enable me to get out of my house and socialise with other like-minded tea drinkers. If the government pursues this ban on these special offers, I'll just keep drinking to excess in my own house. Or I might try the pub. Or drugs.'

Lib Dems pledge not to increase intuition fees

2010-11-04T12:56:00.000Z

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has reiterated his party’s insistence that there will be no increase in intuition fees for students, after considerable criticism of his party’s compromised stance on many other issues of government.

‘Intuition is a massively important part of life and particularly student life,’ said Mr Clegg to reporters, ‘it is something that we can see reaps dividends to all in society, not least to my party. An appeal to what may be seen as ‘intuitively correct’ positions allows us to spin some of the more difficult compromises we have had to make in such a way as to mitigate the effect of our astonishing u-turns. We can quite happily appeal to the public’s sense of intuition, and perhaps prejudice, in our desperate attempts at self-justification. There is no way that I, or the Liberal Democrats, will permit there to be any fee increase on such intuitive brain processes.’

The announcement was met with only tepid support by most. The National Union of Students issued a statement that they had a ‘general bad feeling’ about the veracity of this announcement and that ‘they feel it in their water’ that they simply cannot now trust the Liberal Democrats with anything. Ed Miliband announced on behalf of the labour party that this felt like ‘just the same old Liberal Democrat coalition compromise, appearing to promise one thing and then reneging on that promise soon after.’

However, the announcement has received strong support by society’s isolated extremists. Nick Griffin, for the BNP announced that he was ‘very pleased indeed’ that there would be no further cost to his own misguided prejudices against Islamic immigration and multi-culturalism; and the Daily Mail is so far the only newspaper to come out in strong support of the stance, indicating that such an announcement is the final justification for ‘self-evident’ features of life that has a duty to report in the features section of its newspaper. A spokesman for that newspaper said, ‘We have always known it to be true that if a teenage daughter starts seeing a rock musician, such a relationship is likely to result in heroin addiction, prostitution, and her ultimate murder. We are pleased to know that there will be no tax on the obvious reality of such propositions.’

US plan to take children of Mr YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers into care

2010-08-16T23:26:00.000+01:00

The legacy of disputes with the banking community weighed heavily on Mr YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers today when it was announced that authorities in the United States were actively taking steps to take his two children into care.

Mr YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers changed his name 10 years ago in protest at what he regarded were excessive bank charges on his current account. He explained, ‘I had written to my bank explaining that I was very upset at the £25 charge for going slightly overdrawn on my current account. I was met with dismissive bureaucracy, so decided to change my name by deed poll. How I laughed when I asked them to print me a cheque book in my new name. Of course, they closed my account. But I made them send the remainder of my money in a cheque addressed to my new name. What wonderful times they were, not just for me but also for news agencies in this country. The problem was, I got used to the surname and never changed it back. Maybe it appealed to my puerile sense of humour, I don’t know. Anyway, since that banking dispute I have forever since been known as Eric YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers. I married soon afterwards and my wife, Sharon, loved her new surname. We really stood out from the crowd. We soon had two beautiful children and it was only natural that they would take our surname. However, the problems really started when Jack YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers and Emily YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers started school. I don’t know how the Americans got wind of our family name, but it was clear that they were not best pleased. We have received a number of letters trying to get us to hand over our children into care of the US authorities. It’s been a nightmare. Apparently, psychologists over there have concluded that we have a reckless disregard for capitalism, or something like that, and we are exposing our children to risk of psychological harm. At first we thought it was just a joke, but it is clear that they mean business. I wrote back to them suggesting that we could change our children’s names to ‘George Bush’ but that just seemed to make matters worse.’

William Shakespeare VIII, from the US international forced adoption department, explained the concerns over the naming of Jack and Emily YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers, ‘As a planet we are still in the middle of a global banking crisis and it will be the aggressive policy of the United States to pursue anyone who offends against principles of decency and the free market. If Mr YorkshireBankPlcareabunchofwankers had agreed to change his surname to a normal name like ‘Bin Laden’ none of this would have happened.

2010-08-03T08:27:00.001+01:00

Government to replace 'obese' with 'fan of lard'

2010-07-31T20:20:00.002+01:00

The government today announced that the focus in recent years on the word ‘obesity’ was an unwarranted indulgence and that people should not be consumed with political correctness, but be permitted to use a diet of other adjectives and descriptions for those who were simply fat.
A junior minister at the Department of Health explained, ‘The previous government bent over backwards to describe fat people as having an illness they called ‘obesity’. We are taking a very different approach to the issue and will permit any term to be used. We appreciate that the general public might find this difficult to digest immediately, but we are ruminating permitting words such as ‘fat’, ‘fat bastard’, ‘fan of lard’, ‘lardy boy’, and ‘pork-scratching muncher’ as viable alternatives to the rather tasteless ‘obese’.’
He continued, ‘The previous government wasted a lot of money seeking to change the flavour of approach to the difficulty of fans of lard. It even led to some to claim that obesity was an infectious disease. Frankly, this defies common sense and just leaves a bad smell hanging in the air. We will change public opinion on this weighty matter.’
Health professionals, particularly junior and student doctors, welcomed the proposals with relish. One junior doctor said, ‘I can’t wait to diagnose someone as being a ‘pork scratching muncher’. Previously I had a limited menu of terms for diagnosis at my disposal. Telling a patient that they were ‘morbidly obese’ just didn’t quite cut it. However, telling a patient that they have been diagnosed as a ‘fan of lard’ or just a ‘fat bastard’ is a dream come true. I just hope that the government are genuine about these proposals, and that they have not bitten off more than they can chew.'

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Listen!

NWA fans mistakenly descend on IOW beach

2010-07-20T00:34:00.001+01:00

Residents of the Isle of Wight were shocked to find that Compton Bay, in the west of the Isle of Wight, was overrun with fans of the iconic Gangsta Rap group N.W.A.
On 23rd August 2009, the National Trust car park was full to bursting with wannabe gangsta rappers.
Richard Bennett, a local ice cream seller, described the scene, ‘it was all set up to be a normal day at Compton Bay. The surfers were there, people walking their dogs, families enjoying a day at the beach. All of a sudden the Military Road was full of people driving some rather garish American cars. They came up to me and asked me where the ‘strip’ was, as they wanted to go ‘rollin’ down it. When I told them that I had no idea what they were talking about they said ‘We’re gonna smoke yo ass’. I explained to them that my ice cream van only sold refrigerated food, and that if they wanted something hot they’d better go a couple of miles up the road to Freshwater.’
Mr Bennett continued, ‘one of them came up to me asked where ‘the bitches was at’. I can only assume that he was referring to the hunting kennels in Chale Green, which is a bit of a drive from here. But I gave him directions and he seemed happy enough. Another one told me that his brother would smother my mother, and make my sister think he loved her. Well, my mum lives in one of the retirement flats in Newport and she welcomes any kind of human interaction these days, she’s getting on a bit you see. Unfortunately, I don’t have a sister, but if I did I would certainly introduce her to him, he seemed like a very pleasant young man.’
Local police attended the scene and reported being very upset at the response from fans. PC Johnson said, ‘we were just there to make sure that people had a good time. This was an unexpected boost to the local tourist economy. However, when we arrived everyone started making some very nasty comments about the police, and implying that we were guilty of racism. We can assure them that we only had their best interests in mind.’
The official NWA fan club later issued a statement, ‘It appears that there was a confusion in the booking of tickets. Instead of Compton, South Central Los Angeles, fans were directed to Compton Bay on the Isle of Wight. However, I am pleased to report that most fans had a thoroughly nice time at Compton Bay. The fan club apologises for any misunderstandings that might have occurred.’

[this first appeared on the newsbiscuit website, and I can't remember if I also put it here)

Coalition to replace prison population with ‘branding by tattoo’

2010-07-20T00:17:00.001+01:00

Kenneth Clarke today announced that the coalition government would soon be introducing new alternatives to prison, in a bid to save money yet maintain public confidence in the criminal justice system. Announcing plans that a ‘back to basics’ approach would underpin the coalition thinking, Mr Clarke gave details of the new ‘tattoo branding punishment’ that was the centrepiece of penal reform.

‘Sadly, the prison estate is full to bursting,’ he told pupils at a Norfolk primary school, ‘we have had to look to history to provide inspiration for the solution to this problem. Currently, prisoners are receiving sentences that bear little to no relation to the actual time they will serve in prison. What is currently of the utmost importance is that tabloid newspapers are allowed to run front page articles on the shameful behaviour of our paedophiles and murderers, and often link such articles to mid-size towns located in areas of outstanding natural beauty. The actual sentences imposed are swiftly forgotten. We intend to focus on the concept of public shame as a proper alternative to expensive custodial sentences. To this end, we have teamed up with the tattoo industry to propose workable, inexpensive solutions to offending behaviour, and link this with our concept of the ‘Big Society’.

‘Our proposal is that people convicted of a crime receive a tattoo on prominent parts of their body (usually their forehead) with messages that indicate the nature of their offending. For the lowest level offenders, the tattoos will be akin to the saliva-based tattoos that children used to collect. However, instead of ‘Spiderman’ or ‘The A-team’ we will require offenders to self-apply ‘Common Assault’ or ‘Drink Driving’ to their own foreheads. They will not be permitted to wash their face for a minimum of 24 hours- more than enough time for the message to get across.’

‘For offending that would otherwise merit a short prison sentence, we are very encouraged by the availability of the Henna Tattoo. Lasting for a number of months, we can properly use this to bring shame to people who defraud the benefit system, commit low level fraud, or supply cannabis to others.’

‘For the most serious offending, we have the full range of permanent tattoos available. Very few sex offenders are keen to have crude penises tattooed to their foreheads, yet that is what will happen. For drug traffickers we propose to require that they receive a tattoo with ‘Skins’ on their forehead. And for murderers we propose a particularly cruel tattoo punishment. We will ensure that they consume enough alcohol to be intoxicated enough to say to the tattoo artist ‘just do whatever you want’ and then ensure that they are tattooed with either a fridge freezer or a tractor on their backs.’

Mr Clarke’s proposals have met with general approval. However, the shadow justice secretary criticised the proposals, ‘Many citizens of this country have already taken the decision to tattoo themselves, and the proposals of this government will have the shameful effect of making these law abiding, heavily tattooed citizens appear to be criminals.’

This is a test of fernando's bassoon

2010-07-08T22:54:00.001+01:00

having purchased the htc desire iphone rival, it was only a matter of time for fernandomando to post blog entries via the new smartphone. 11 hours in fact. I have to say that it is pretty good so far.

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Campaign against rise in the age of ‘right to become senile’

2010-06-25T22:43:00.000+01:00

Soon-to-be pensioners have reacted with disappointment at the increase in the retirement age and are planning a challenge under the Human Rights Act.
Silver haired workers around the country claim that the Government is denying them their sacred right to descend into obscurity, social isolation and dementia. By raising the retirement age, these workers are now forced to interact with fellow workers of different ages and to appreciate that life is rather more varied than the Daily Mail would have them believe.

A spokesman for DEMENT, a sociological think-tank for workers in their autumn years, told reporters, ‘We strongly object to the proposal to raise the retirement age. We speak for a vast number of people who have put in their time at work and are looking forward to spending their last days in retirement learning about gardening and how to annoy younger members of their family with their stubborn misunderstanding of innocent family conversations. Many of the people we speak for have reached the stage of almost total acceptance of Daily Mail feature articles, and have been busy advising their adult children of the dangers of popular music, the internet, and Islamic immigration causing cancer. A large number of them have been busy devising ingenious ways to fall out with their siblings in dramatic fashion, and to dispense with rationality entirely. It is a sad day indeed that these people are now expected to work significantly longer and therefore remain under the influence of rationality, perspective, and clear thought.’

On behalf of the government, a junior minister for the Department of Work and Pensions explained, ‘Sadly, the position that we have inherited from the previous administration has meant that tough decisions have had to be made. Whilst we fully agree that everyone should have the right to descend into senility, we must balance that right with the means of funding people’s retirement. Raising the retirement age is one of a series of measures necessary to balance the books.’

The Daily Mail is said to be outraged at the decision, not least because it predicts a slump in sales in light of this attack on its traditional readership.

More uses for the Apple iPad

2010-06-19T08:07:00.000+01:00

Apple announce revolutionary new i-ron

2010-06-12T13:26:00.000+01:00

Steve Jobs today held yet another press conference to announce an exciting new technology designed to satisfy the demand from customers. At a packed conference centre in San Francisco the ‘i-ron’ was launched.

Mr Jobs gave a demonstration of the i-ron to the gathered press, ‘Apple has been very concerned about those customers who enjoy surfing the web, writing emails, who want to use touch screen technology, yet cannot combine all this with neatly pressed linen or cotton shirts. Our revolutionary i-ron now fills this gap.’

The i-ron has a limited flash memory of 64 gigabytes, 4 steam settings and a touch-screen user interface. Apple claim that their fiercely protected software means that the i-ron will operate with ease, and will remain free of all limescale build up throughout its lifetime.

Critics of the new i-ron have claimed that the technology is nothing new, and that there is an inherent design flaw with the touch screen interface. One such commentator said, ‘Apple have created a big problem for themselves by combining the touch screen and the hot plate for pressing shirts. We know that Apple intends to make this i-ron skype compatible, and we foresee vast numbers of red (and very blistered) faces as a result.’

Criticisms aside, the Apple faithful seem to have hailed the i-ron as a further example of the revolution in aspirational marketing from their preferred computer manufacturer. Advance orders have flooded in, and the entire population of Islington has set up camp outside the nearest Apple store.

Apple iPad saved my life

2010-06-06T23:07:00.002+01:00

Fernandomando would like to report the true wonder of that brilliant and necessary machine that is the Apple iPad.
So great is its power that, in life threatening circumstances, it came to fernandomando's rescue and quite literally saved his life.

Those circumstances manifested themselves on the London underground system.

While sitting on a commute to a distant place, fernandomando suddenly felt an overwhelming need for an overpriced, low storage, touch screen computer. The reasons for this ought to be obvious- to write emails, look at the internet, and to read books and newspapers in a more complicated way than actually buying them or going to the library. Such a state of frenzy was reached that other passengers came close to calling an ambulance and seeking admission to the nearest emergency department. However, fortunately one passenger stood up and spoke the words 'iPad, iPad, iPad' and all was cured.

Fernandomando is now going to Saville Row to ask for new clothes made from the same cloth as was used for the emperor.

And so it is summer

2010-06-06T22:40:00.002+01:00

Fernandomando has been a little stretched of late, hence a simple reliance on his own genius for comedy. There has been a lack of well argued, cogent reasons to examine the oddness of the world. In its place has been a number of crazed quasi-news stories that have seen themselves submitted to the newsbiscuit site.

And yet, now it is June. Times of festival madness are upon us. People who ingest calories via smoke, rather than food, will juggle strange items while wearing only long shorts and sandals at the same time as listening to popular music pumped out at many high decibels. Tents are at an all time low price, as ordinarily reputable camping shops seek to offload stock on the 18-40 year old campers of the drug world. Everywhere that Fernandomando looks he sees signs of summer. Sunburn, England flags, scantily clad females, and Carlsberg lager on discount deals of at least 8 for £6.

Perhaps it is time to seek more of the balance. Perhaps that time is now. In any event, Fernandomando promises that more of his general genius, not just the carefully crafted comedic brilliance, will come your way.

Yes, it is so.

Israel still refusing to negotiate with Gazza

2010-06-04T11:15:00.000+01:00

Israel has once again taken a tough stance on Gazza and has defied calls for co-operation by world leaders and the UN.

A spokesman for the government of Israel told reporters, ‘Gazza is a clear threat to the stability of this region. In recent times Gazza’s profile has come to the fore. We understand that this is largely due to the vacancies that exist for barely comprehensible ex-footballers to offer their limited commentating skills to countries that are covering the football World Cup. We can confirm that representatives from Gazza have attempted negotiations with Israel regarding such football punditry. However, it was clear from the start that this was a thinly disguised attempt to undermine the credibility of Israel’s position in world football.’

A team of international negotiators has launched a small flotilla of sailing vessels in an attempt to allow a dedicated team of football agents access to the Israeli Sports Ministry. It is understood that the flotilla aims to take advantage of cloud-induced low visibility, and aims to amplify this with the continuous broadcast of Gazza’s UK hit ‘Fog on the Tyne’. This plan has met with strong objections from the Israeli government, who claim that Gazza’s number 2 hit record in collaboration with Lindisfarne is actually a call for terrorists to destroy the state of Israel; citing the lyrics ‘it’s all mine, all mine’ as a call to arms based on an unjustified property claim to the region.

World leaders, however, have expressed their ‘utmost concern’ at the stance of the Israeli government. William Hague, the British foreign secretary, has called on Israel to immediately cease plans to send in the military to prevent attempted negotiations with Gazza, ‘Israel must accept its international obligations and realise that the world has changed. They failed to qualify for the competition and are now rejecting reasonable attempts to negotiate a peaceful settlement with Gazza. They must accept that Gazza does not pose a threat to their country. Sending in special forces to deal with peaceful negotiations will not help, and Israel would do well to remember that Gazza still has a special place in the British people's hearts, despite the beatings he inflicted on his ex wife.'

Modern day Robin Hood 'disillusioned' with job

2010-05-14T20:59:00.001+01:00

Robert Hodson, famous for his job as the 'modern day Robin Hood' has expressed his concerns about his job publicly, and for the first time.

'I took this job for noble reasons,' he said, 'I was attracted to the idea of robbing from the rich and giving to the poor. It appealed to my socialist ideals. I didn't really care for the salary, or the living conditions. For me it was all about a communist ideal, good friends, and outdoor living.'

However, after time doubts started to emerge, 'I started to realise that maybe I was being naive,' said Mr Hodson, 'the rich weren't always the wealthy capitalist oppressors that I thought they would be. And the poor were hardly the paragons of virtue. They started giving me shopping lists, like plasma televisions, Kappa tracksuits and Nike trainers. I would be particularly annoyed when they would waste a large portion of the money I gave them on drunken, violent nights out in the city centre.'

Mr Hodson's views of the wealthy also changed during his employment, 'I grew to learn that most of them were doing highly stressed, highly responsible jobs, and that much of their income was being spent on their day-to-day living. They had mortgages, families and other financial commitments. On top of that, they were mostly well-educated and interesting to talk to. I began to feel guilty for my crimes against them.'

A further irritation was the constant struggle with the Sheriff of Nottingham. 'Very few people realise that the Sheriff of Nottingham is bound by strict legal duties relating to local government officials,' said Mr Hodson, 'He can't just ignore me, for fear of legal action against him personally. There has traditionally been a perception of him as a one-dimensional baddie. However, during my time working with him I have nothing but respect for him. He is only doing his job and, frankly, my position just makes it harder for him. Have you ever considered how difficult it is to manage the affairs of Nottinghamshire, with all its problems? I'm sure that he could do without people like me.'

A final nail in the coffin for Mr Hodson was the realisation that he was really campaigning for a return to a feudal monarchy, 'The traditional role of Robin Hood has been as a sort of well-meaning terrorist who protects this country while the monarch wages an aggressive foreign policy against the Islamic World. I'm afraid I have difficulties with that role to begin with, but I have particular concerns about the faith that I am contractually obliged to have in the return of the warring monarch. I take the view that social revolutions have shaped our political processes, I am very much a Marxist historian, and I cannot in good conscience support a return to Feudalism.'

Even the traditional perk of the job, the relationship with Maid Marian, fell short of expectations. 'Have you ever tried finding a Maid in Nottingham?' said Mr Hodson, 'they tried their best, and I suppose it does meet their contractual obligations, but I am disappointed. I mean, she's a nice enough girl, but we don't really have the same interests. She is more concerned about shoes, handbags and Friday nights, and doesn't really take an interest in my ideas on political philosophy. Also, she has, for some unknown reason, chosen to exercise the 'chastity' clause in her contract, at least with me.'

Mr Hodson's words came as a shock and surprise to his employers. 'We will be looking at his contract carefully,' they said, 'and will be asking him to consider his position.

Ventnor man confuses climbing wall with north face of Eiger

2010-05-02T23:48:00.001+01:00

Donald Staunton, 48, from Ventnor on the Isle of Wight, was rescued by climbing wall staff after 24 hours of repeated attempts to ascend the ‘North Face of the Eiger’ revealed that he had mistakenly spent all of his time making repeated attempts to ascend ‘The Big Blue Rock’ at the Bluewater Shopping Centre in Kent. An exhausted Mr Staunton told reporters, ‘I feel more than a little foolish. It turns out that I had misunderstood the venue and, instead of ascending the most perilous test of alpine mountaineering, I had actually purchased a number of ‘challenge climb’ tickets and was simply making repeated efforts to ascend the same climbing wall. I suppose it was the fact that each ascent was of increasing difficulty that misled me and my understanding of what it was that I was doing.’

‘For some reason, I was convinced that I had already set up base camp and that I was attempting the ascent of the Eiger. It turns out that staff at ‘Blacks’ camping store had tried to tell me that the store was not the foothills of the Bernese Alps, and I had simply ignored them when they tried to stop me from pitching camp there. Apparently, I had threatened them with my crampons.’

‘I was convinced that I had driven all the way to Switzerland. The journey had taken 24 hours. Again, it turns out that the curse of the M25 struck again, and the ‘channel tunnel’ and the ‘alpine tunnels of Switzerland’ were simply repeated drives through the Dartford Tunnel.’

Mr Staunton is recovering from exhaustion in Dartford Hospital. His spirits are said to up, however, and he is already making plans for sailing around the entire coastline of the United Kingdom, starting from the Isle of Sheppey.

Channel 4 announces new series 'Pimp My Park and Ride'

2010-04-15T11:25:00.001+01:00

Channel 4 today announced its new reality tv series ‘Pimp My Park and Ride’. The format is a wholly British idea and centres on a team of highly skilled ‘Street’ mechanics taking a tired and under-used park and ride facility and ‘pimping’ it with the latest sound systems, paints, and other ‘pimp’ items.

Describing the programme, a Channel 4 executive told reporters, ‘This is an exciting format that has already received close attention from local councils around the country who are keen to update their existing park and ride schemes. Many councils have complained to us that their systems really only involve a desolate wasteland disguised as a car park, a rusty old coach, and a few badly positioned motorway signs. Some have admitted that their ‘Park and Ride’ scheme is really just a scam to appease the environmental lobby. Our idea, and the genius of the programme, has been to update, or ‘pimp’ these facilities.

‘In the first series, our team have achieved a number of firsts for television. The audience will see the first ever ‘Low-rider coach’ with ultra-violet lighting underneath, lowered suspension, a large rear wing for improved handling around corners, and 400 decibel speaker system involving reinforced concrete. We were given special permission to ‘pimp’ the signs on the motorway with flashing neon lights and life size models of prostitutes apparently plying their trade. In the car parks we have introduced a real feeling of edgy menace. In one such car park we managed to install a life size Vauxhall Corsa travelling on a continuous loop playing dance music at high volume. Every 12 minutes real litter from McDonald’s is thrown out of the car window. The ‘pimping’ has even been applied to the staff at the Park and Ride: the coach drivers have been given new ‘Huggy Bear’ style uniforms and the ticket inspectors in the car park are now dressed up to look like women of the night.’

‘Reaction to the modified Park and Ride Schemes has been generally positive. In most areas there has been a significant reduction in town and city centre parking. Residents and visitors alike have expressed positive views of the new ‘pimping’. Our only failure was Basildon, but that was only because there was nothing we could add to existing facilities.’

Nurse banned from undergoing actual crucifixion while at work

2010-04-10T14:37:00.000+01:00

Joyce Matthews, a devout Christian, has failed in her appeal against a decision by her employers to prevent her from undergoing actual crucifixion during her working hours. Speaking outside Stratford Employment Tribunal, a disappointed Ms Matthews said, ‘I feel persecuted simply for my religious beliefs. Until this decision, I would quite happily walk to work dragging my own cross behind me. During my lunch break and at times when other employees would go on permitted smoking breaks, I would arrange for colleagues to tie me to the cross so that I could be crucified for short periods of time. It never got in the way of my work and it allowed me to properly express my Christian beliefs. It is a sad day for British justice that this decision has been upheld.’

Hampshire Primary Care Trust explained that their decision to prevent Ms Matthews from such regular bouts of self-crucifixion in the workplace were justified on ‘patient safety grounds’. A spokesman said, ‘If, as happens on a busy emergency ward, there is an unexpected emergency then we need our nursing staff to be ready and able to assist in the provision of adequate healthcare. Sometimes, and this is a matter of considerable regret but a sad fact of life, there is insufficient time for Ms Matthews to be cut down from her lifesize cross so that she can measure a patient’s SATs or their blood pressure. Also, I’m sure that everyone here watches both Casualty and Holby City, and all of you will agree that it is clearly important for the nursing staff to shout, at regular intervals, that a patient is ‘tachicardic’. This simply cannot be done with credibility by a nurse in the midst of crucifixion.’

Scrabble rule change to include text and rap speak

2010-04-07T10:33:00.001+01:00

[Fernandomando begins his return to newsbiscuit submissions. Here is a recent one]

Mattel, the makers of the popular word game ‘Scrabble’, today announced rule changes that allow players to include SMS and gangsta rap speak as playable words. A spokesman for the company said, ‘We all have to change with the times. Every day, millions of text abbreviations are sent, and these are creeping into the general parlance. Just because these phrases might not appear in a dictionary is no reason, in our view, for such ‘text speak’ to be excluded from the game.

‘We hold a similar view of gangsta rapping,’ he explained, ‘it is now accepted that some young people employ some fairly colourful terms to describe their impending acts of violence against each other. For that reason we are happy to include such words and phrases in our sponsored competitions. Our hope is that we will rejuvenate an established brand.’

However, reaction to the rule changes did not go down well in ‘The Sunny Glades Retirement Home’ in Ventnor on the Isle of Wight. Frank Gregory, captain of the scrabble team, explained some consequences of the changed rules, ‘It has placed an unnecessary burden on those of us who, until now, have abided by the rules of scrabble. Until today, a dictionary was all that was required to determine the acceptability of a word. We now have to listen to entire back catalogues of groups such as ‘NWA’ and ‘Blame Ya Dead Homie’. Don’t get me wrong, there are some songs that mirror our lives- these young American rappers clearly take almost as much medication as we do, and we also have our own drive by services bringing us hot food. However, the way that they treat their pet dogs, especially the female ones, is not something we approve of. Also, now that text speak is permitted, it is difficult for there to be a distinction between a genuine attempt at the game and a cry for assistance from the nursing staff, especially with words such as ‘PMSL’.

365 days of woodwind

2010-03-28T23:09:00.002+01:00

Fernandomando has been away, dear and loyal readers. Forgive him.

However, Fernandomando is just in time to say that this is the 365th day of the existence of the blog. This, and a combination of NEWSBISCUIT, has kept fernandomando occupied and, hopefully, people generally amused.

FOR IT IS RARE THAT THE BACKGROUND TO THE BLOG IS EVER DISCUSSED. But on this most wonderful of days, it shall be touched upon.

Fernandomando has always thought it RATHER POINTLESS to write diaries about what is going on in people's lives. Instead, he has thought it better to focus simply on the RATHER POINTLESS in the hope that it might raise a smile here and there. Undoubtedly, HE HAS BEEN AN AMAZING SUCCESS.

As well as the opportunity to buy the unique ASBO hoodies, Fernandomando might just write a book.

He remains the genius that is:

FERNANDOMANDO

Leader of Fashion

2010-02-27T16:18:00.000Z

Fernandomando is many things, including THE VISIONARY OF FUTURE FASHION. With a timeless sense of style, and in praise of the Anti-Social Behaviour Order, he has created an ASBO Hoody with an impressive stitched logo on the front of it. For a SMALL FEE of £35 (payment via paypal please), he will arrange for you and those dearest to you to have clothing that literally sets the trend. Available in a variety of colours and sizes, this offer is overwhelmingly good.

This is, quite literally, your chance to be part of the revolution of the future that is FERNANDOMANDO

The small minds of the masses

2010-02-23T22:07:00.003Z

The best answer to the taxi driver's loaded question 'What do you think about all these illegal immigrants then, gov?' is the one that, armed with sufficient irony, dilutes the right wing political slant of the modern day coachman with its own logical extremism. If ever Fernandomando is asked such a question, his answer will be as follows:

'They should be rounded up and taken to the top of the white cliffs of Dover. They should then have one of their limbs severed, and be thrown into the sea and told to swim back to their own country.'

Such a response is, perhaps, the least expected. It usually prompts the reply 'That's a bit extreme'. At which point, a wise and ironic silence visits the conversation in the taxi, and leaves Fernandomando at peace to continue his journey without further interruption.

Fernandomando shares with you more of the same

2010-02-21T10:48:00.002Z

For whatever reason, previous audio files on Houndbite have stopped working. Perhaps this is due to the incredible content of the words spoken by Fernandomando's wonderful voice.

For this reason, Fernandomando resorts to YOUTUBE and includes some photographs of his younger manifestation. Those of you who have followed for some time will recognise the audio, those that have not can enjoy the voice, THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL.

Business business business and books

2010-02-09T12:45:00.002Z

Fernandomando has been reflecting on the word 'business'. Surely, business is something to be encouraged. However, it is a word of many meanings. One example of the crudest metaphor is 'business is business'. Surely, a fine example of the tautology that lends such character to the modern businessman. Another example is the old lady, who loves dogs. With regularity, she might claim that her canine associate is 'doing his business'. What sad images of the overworked quadruped this conjures.

However, Fernandomando will embrace business. And so it is said.

On other matters, Fernandomando has been considering transferring his digital musings to the medium of the paperback.

Fernandomando recommends some ethnic English names

2010-01-27T00:32:00.003Z

Fernandomando has been busy procreating. Fernandomando and Mrs Fernandomando had agreed on a name, but while she recovered in hospital one of the other new parents suggested that he be given a ‘traditional English name’. He suggested ‘Billy’.

These words of wisdom got Fernandomando thinking about the shameful lack of traditional English names that abound in this country. Little thought seems to be given to preserving the old English names, and a preference is shown for names that are not English. As an example, it seems common these days for names like ‘Billy’. This is an abbreviation of ‘William’ and is itself Germanic in origin. Interestingly, its meaning is ‘Will, desire, and helmet protection’. One of the most influential Williams of history was the French William the Conqueror, who came from France and defeated the brave English army at Hastings.

This inspired Fernandomando to think about recommending some traditional English names for new parents. To that end, here are a few suggestions that might be useful for anyone who expresses such pride in the great traditions of the ethnic English. They are as follows:

Boys

Alric, Ceolwulf, Cuichelm, Eadbald, Eanfrid, Hengist, Immin, Offa, Osric, Penda, Redwald, Sebbi, Swidhelm, Thrydwulf, Wictred, Wulfhere andYffi.

Girls

Acha, Breguswið, Coenberg, Cyneburg, Cynwise, Eabæ, Eanfled, Earcongota, Edyð, Hereswið,
Osðryd, Tortgyð, and Sexburg

Such names are in the proudest Anglo-Saxon tradition and are to be recommended to all who profess pride in their ethnic heritage.

Fernandomando reads you a story

2010-01-25T22:41:00.004Z

If ever you are in need of a story, why not let Fernandomando and Fernandomando junior tell you the story of 'The Magic Paintbrush'.

We all need fictional literature every now and again.

AND SO IT IS FORETOLD

Pro-forma for comments on blogs

2010-01-20T22:15:00.002Z

Fernandomando keeps a keen eye for balance in the world. In that respect, Fernandomando offers the following comment as a pro-forma for any blogger that might congratulate THEIR OWN SUCCESS, however humble and deserved it might be. As with all things, Fernandomando has both tongue and a cheek in their proper places:

'Thank you so much for your blog. You have literally changed my life. Whenever I am feeling depressed, and cannot locate any prescription medication, I always turn to your wisdom. I hope you will understand when I say that I see your experiences as directions for my life. You are just so WISE!
Before I read your blog I was lost and in a very dark place. Human Resources and your common sense approach has changed that. I never considered humans to be of the status of a resource, but listening to the difficulties you have had in your working life, I realise that I have put too many of them on a pedestal. No longer will I maintain my basement shrine to 'those unknown girls' (YOU know what I mean man!). I've realised that I can treat the people I meet like the objects (or resources) that they truly are. I'm less sensitive to their painful screams because of that. AND IT'S ALL THANKS TO YOU!
I wish you'd put some photos of yourself on your blog, as we need to be together.'

Black Panther spotted on the Isle of Wight

2010-01-17T12:58:00.002Z

The Isle of Wight Council today confirmed that it was drafting
in extra police officers in the hunt for a black panther, following a
number of reports by islanders.

In a recent press release, Bob Blake, the Council Health, Safety,
and Tourist Protection officer said, ‘I can confirm that there have
been a number of confirmed sightings of a black panther on the Island.
Usually such reports are taken with a pinch of salt, but this time the
Council are taking the issue very seriously. There have been sightings
of a man walking the streets of Sandown, with what appears to be a
firearm on display, but not pointed at anyone. Islanders who have seen
him have reported that he has been following local police officers in
an apparent ‘monitoring’ capacity. Apparently he is there to ensure
that the police treat his ‘brothers’ appropriately. From this, we
suspect that this man has family on the Island.

Deputy Chief Superintendent Williams, the most senior officer on the
Isle of Wight, told the media, ‘This has certainly come as a surprise,
and I stress that it is a very rare occurrence for a black panther to
be sighted anywhere on the Isle of Wight. At present, we have no
information about where he came from, or what he wants. However, I can
personally confirm that there is no police brutality or murder of black
people, other people of colour, or any oppressed people on the Isle of
Wight.’

Local GP, Dr James Howser, was one of the first people to report the
sighting of the black panther. ‘I found some of his demands unusual,’
said Dr Howser, ‘He was speaking of his ‘Ten Point Program’ and his
demand for free healthcare for all black and oppressed people. I tried
explaining that the NHS worked in the same way on the Isle of Wight as
it did in the rest of the country, but he didn’t seem interested. I did
mention that we have a private hospital in Newport, and he responded to
that with the demand for an end to the robbery by the capitalists of
the Black Community.’

Another islander, Melanie Windett, reported her sighting, ‘He was
chanting ‘The Revolution has co-ome, it's time to pick up the gu-un.
Off the pigs!’ I didn’t really understand what he meant. We don’t have
too many revolutions here. I thought it might have been an advert for
the Seaview Regatta.

The search continues.

Fernandomando's airbrush effort

2010-01-16T17:58:00.000Z

Fernandomando stumbled across this website here and could not resist having his own go at a bit of airbrush technology.

Why not try for yourself.

Comments are welcome.

Lessons of Welsh history still not learned

2010-01-13T00:32:00.000Z

The lessons of history were not learned today as it emerged that Wayne Diffy had failed to pay heed to the legend of Prince Llewellyn and his trusted hound Gelert. Falling foul of fallacies that can so frequently obtain when drawing inferences from circumstantial evidence, Mr Diffy saw history repeat itself on the 15th floor of a Hackney residential tower block.

One Welsh historian commented, ‘The legend of Gelert involved Prince Llewellyn returning from a hunting trip to find his trusted hound Gelert bloody-mouthed. Gelert had been looking after Llewellyn’s infant son. Llewellyn feared his infant son had been killed by Gelert, so he swiftly put Gelert to death with his own sword. Llewellyn then found the bodies of two wolves, and his infant son safe and sound. He apologised to Gelert, who then died. It is a good cautionary tale about jumping to the wrong conclusion based on evidence of circumstances.’

Wayne Diffy had clearly not studied this event in any detail. On Tuesday of last week he went out shopping and left ‘Lion’, his pitbull, in charge of his 2 year old son Billy. He returned to find a bloody-mouthed ‘Lion’ and no sign of Billy. He immediately concluded that Lion had eaten Billy. He withdrew his trusted machete and slaughtered his dog, taking no more than 26 minutes to put an end to his pet’s life. It was only after this bloody execution that he found the lifeless bodies of two young and inexperienced social workers who had entered pursuant to a court order requiring his son be taken into care. His son was safe and well, insofar as his dangerous home surroundings allowed. But Wayne Diffy had jumped to conclusions based on otherwise compelling circumstantial evidence.

Hackney Social Services accepted full responsibility for the brutal slaying of ‘Lion’ and has vowed to ‘learn lessons’ for the future. Close liaison is expected with the RSPCA and an educational programme of Welsh Legendary History is to be introduced in all schools. However, many critics have spoken out asking for the resignation of the Director, claiming that earlier study of such legendary Welsh parables might have saved ‘Lion’ from his grisly demise.

Fernandomando is the voice. Try to understand it.

2010-01-07T10:47:00.002Z

With particularly prominent clairvoyance, Fernandomando indicated recently that the next stop would be the domination of Basingstoke. Just look here.

Recently, Fernandomando, in a moment of difficulty, asked the universe for assistance. He then went to his car and turned on the tune of absolution. The song to play was 'You're the voice' by John Farnham. The universe duly assisted.

Indeed, such amazing activity cannot be a coincidence. The inescapable inference is that Fernandomando is indeed the voice, as envisaged by Mr Farnham around 20 years ago.

To that end, it is clear that Fernandomando is a predictor of the future, and also a creator of it. What is written in the pages of this MAGNIFICENT blog is destined to come to pass.

Therefore, Fernandomando states that enormous success, which is duly deserved, is soon headed Fernandomando's way. In addition to that, a lottery win of many millions will also come very soon to Fernandomando.

Yes.

And so it is written.

New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-01T23:15:00.001Z

Fernandomando laughs at the prospect of any kind of resolution, generally preferring chaos. However, it is a new day and a new year and thoughts must turn to grand plans for the future.

In the spirit of the soothsayer and the determined being (both of which are too low to much affect Fernandomando's extraordinary brilliance), Fernandomando has listed a number of resolutions that APPEAR TO BE EASILY ACHIEVABLE.

For anyone interested, the following might be of assistance:

1] Stop the habit of making bone-marrow based cocktails

2] Never again to offer friends and family fictional windows for sale on the telephone

3] The complete halt to communication in the universal language of mathematics

4] To generally encourage political protest via the medium of improvised dance

5] A complete halt on the direction-led categorisation of political belief. In its place a system based on PHYSICAL GEOGRAPHY.

These resolutions are, admittedly, challenging to the mere mortal.

BUT FOR FERNANDOMANDO THEY ARE INDEED EASILY ACHIEVED.

Yes.

The truth has been said.

End of a decade

2009-12-31T08:47:00.003Z

And so, another decade has come and gone, and soon we are to be shorter of one zero in our dating system. Fernandomando has been reflecting on the past decade and considering the value of HIS CONSIDERABLE ACHIEVEMENTS. Being a ponderous soul, Fernandomando wonders if anyone else can state so comprehensively that the past 10 years of their life has been so full of achievement. THE ANSWER IS NO.

New Year's eve may be a strange event. People all over the world celebrate another year, another time. But, when we contemplate the celebrations of those in other lands with other cultures, we may be sure that few to none of them will be embarking upon the ritualised PUB CRAWL IN FANCY DRESS, preferably down main streets of Victorian seaside resorts. Surely, this is what makes the new year great. Add to this mix TOO MUCH INTOXICANTS and it can surely be said that the new year will be celebrated to its fullest extent.

What, then, does the New Year hold for us all? Fernandomando is assured of staggering success. Sadly, the same cannot be said of mere mortals. For them, fate holds only disappointment, perhaps even miserable despair. And thus we can see, that it is the clearest of conclusions:

Fernandomando wishes all a Happy New Year.

Yes.

It is so.

Marriage ruined by Gibbons

2009-12-18T00:27:00.001Z

Lucy Marshall today revealed how her marriage to Peter had been ruined by the latter's 'gibbon obsession'. In an exclusive interview, she revealed how Peter's passion for these lesser apes took over their marriage. She claimed that, 'there were three people in our marriage: me, Peter, and the gibbons.'

At the start of their marriage they were caught up in a whirlwind of love and romance. However, the simmering passion cooled after a year or so and they returned to satisfied, yet ordinary lives. Until Peter visited Indonesia.

'He came back from that business trip speaking only of gibbons,' said a distraught Lucy, 'at first I humoured him. I even bought him the record 'The Funky Gibbon' and I improvised a dance routine, just for him, based on the mating ritual of the Chinese gibbon. Sadly, it was not enough. Every day it was 'gibbon this, gibbon that.' He became overly critical of me, asking me why I never gracefully swang through trees, and criticising my lack of ball-socket wrists. I clearly could not live up to his standards, and cracks began to appear in our marriage.'

The real breaking point came, according to Lucy, when their holidays were arranged to coincide with a number of zoos and conservation research centres that housed gibbons. Lucy explained, 'I started to become very suspicious of his desire to be close to gibbons. It slowly dawned on me that we would only go out together if there was some ulterior gibbon motive. I started to think the unthinkable- that he loved gibbons more than he loved me. The point of no return came when I found the key to the padlock that kept his shed secure. I looked inside, and after only 45 minutes of snooping, found a false tool wall that, if moved in a certain way, contained a wall of gibbon pornography. I felt a range of emotions: disgust, betrayal and anger. I confronted him, and he confessed all. He told me that when he was in Indonesia, his voracious sexual appetite was sated only by the treetop romance of the gibbon. That was it, I could be with him no more.'

Newsbiscuit night out in Chando's

2009-12-14T20:02:00.000Z

Here are some pictures of the Newsbiscuit night out in Chando's pub near Trafalgar Square

Recent Newsbiscuit and Ventnorblog success

2009-12-14T19:18:00.002Z

Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some have greatness thrust upon them. And some have greatness on speed dial on their pay as you go mobile telephone.

In recent days, Fernandomando has experienced a number of different events. Starting with considerable success on the Newsbiscuit site, obtaining a richly deserved Front Page in true recognition of his undeniable genius.

As was to be expected, local media interest would not be far behind such a story, and so it was that Ventnorblog picked up on this WORLDWIDE INTERNET EXCLUSIVE.

For the Newsbiscuit page click here

For the most important media article of the past 10 years, click here

Remember- there is still time to donate to the paypal account of Fernandomando.

DO IT. DO IT NOW.

Self congratulation

2009-12-10T20:47:00.005Z

After some months of trying, Fernandomando has finally made the front page of the NEWSBISCUIT. Having entered the site in the sure knowledge that his humour would be swiftly victorious, it took a little longer than expected to achieve dominance. Just look here

But achieve it Fernandomando did.

This is but one short step in the campaign to dominate the world.

The next project IS TO TAKE CONTROL OF BASINGSTOKE.

Yes,

You have been warned.

Funeral music

2009-11-28T15:11:00.002Z

For no very good reason, Fernandomando has been thinking, briefly, of the most amusing music that could be played at his funeral. Perhaps this festive melancholic doom has something to do with his current work, perhaps it has more to do with a dark and bleak humour.

In any event, the two top contenders are as follows. Firstly, there is 'Now everything's ruined' by Faith No More. Secondly, there is the Ronan Keating Song that goes 'you say it best when you say nothing at all'. Fernandomando thinks that perhaps the second is an ideal present for a client to give to his own lawyer, especially after a conviction. However, for anyone who has been skilled in the art of rhetoric, it might be quite a good one.

In any event, and unusually, Fernandomando opens up comments for all to think of their best suggestions for inappropriate funeral music.

Having said that, one of the best that Fernandomando actually heard was 'Soul Limbo' accompanying a coffin going into the fiery furnace of cremation.

Those of you with eagle eyes

2009-11-04T22:26:00.001Z

Might spot something from the recent past that fernandomando commented on. For a helpful hint, click here

Hallowe'en

2009-10-31T16:48:00.003Z

Fernandomando has been working hard, but has still time to reflect on Hallowe'en. What a time of devilish horror this is. What gruesome ghouls and goblins there might be outside. Some might say this is no more than an ordinary day in a large city after the time has shifted to winter time. Perhaps this is so.

Hallowe'en is a strange time. Teenage children run around people's houses, intent on festive americanised blackmail. Much amusing criminal damage is undertaken.

But have we forgotten the true meaning of Hallowe'en? Maybe we have- it has become far too commercialised for its own good. How many of us are joining the Witches at midnight for occult practices in the woods? Very few, I'll wager. How many of us are burning black candles and cursing our enemies, bringing forth poverty and disease on their households? Even fewer. Yes, Hallowe'en these days has lost its true meaning. It is all horror films like 'The Ring' and made-for-television Scooby Doo films introducing children to the gruesome world of the occult.

Hallowe'en is even spelt incorrectly by the vast majority of people.

Fernandomando suggests a solemn crusade to return the true meaning of Hallowe'en.

BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE

The juggler of doom

2009-10-23T00:07:00.003+01:00

Having experienced the dizzy heights of 58 fans of the blog on facebook, the juggler of doom that is fernandomando had been slayed in his dominance by the parting of the two. Two persons have left the fanhood of the facebook.

What can this mean?

Surely only strange magpies will become such deserters.

However. To neglect the posting of the blog in favour of the greatness of the biscuit is a HIDEOUS error, and one that is now fully corrected.

In mitigation, Fernandomando has been concentrated in the wonder that is Surrey and all things Guildford. Such travelling delights are a wonder to behold. As fernandomando sails rough winds of recession and strangely bearded pensioner ladies (indeed this is a truth of Guildford train station around 0950) he also juggles a number of different lives in his safe hands.

Hubble bubble toil and doom. But it is getting better. Day by day.

Oh yes.

It is so.

Just some photos

2009-10-12T00:12:00.002+01:00

For anyone who doesn't understand these photos, they are photos of the current Newsbiscuit writer of the month Andrew Warmington, aka Oxbridge, who won his mastermind heat the other day. For people who don't get the BBC- Mastermind is a high-brow quiz show.
Check out www.newsbiscuit.com.

A couple of recently penned stories

2009-10-07T14:42:00.001+01:00

In true lazy fashion, Fernandomando would like to expose you to some of his recent writings for the GREAT and MAGNIFICENT newsbiscuit site. Basically, fernandomando cannot be troubled to think of anything else to put, and it's about time to put something else up. Enjoy, comment, and read, but not in that order:

Johnny Cash found battling Sauron on rings of Saturn

Recently deceased country rock rebel Johnny Cash has been discovered on the new ring of Saturn locked in an endless battle with the evil Lord Sauron for ‘the one ring of fire that will rule them all’, astronomers revealed today.

‘It’s no surprise,’ said Professor Miles Johnsson, the lead astronomer in the project that found the new ring, ‘Mr Cash famously sang of a ring of fire, and debate has raged for decades about its precise meaning- was it anything to do with a wild night out ended with a vindaloo curry? A sexually transmitted disease? A tribute to Captain Oates? In any event, a few years ago I made the mistake of watching all three Lord of the Rings films in one sitting at the IMAX cinema in Waterloo. On a second intensive viewing, I was struck by the homo-eroticism of the trilogy, not least between Frodo and Sam. Also, the evil Lord Sauron was portrayed as a giant flaming vagina. It is therefore no coincidence that he and Mr Cash were destined to meet.

The significance of the finding is yet to be assessed, but Shadow Chancellor George Osborne described the find as ‘significant’ at the Conservative conference in Manchester, ‘When we take power, we will explore ways of using this eternal conflict to the advantage of our nation. We are in advanced talks with NASA to shuttle sufficient numbers of Liverpool fans to Saturn to assist Mr Cash in his legendary combat. If we achieve this, we are sure that some of them will be able to set up ‘Cash for Gold’ stores on the rings of Saturn, and finally one ring will indeed rule them all. We just hope that it is ours.

Sword mightier than pen

Tragedy struck today when Julian Evans, renowned author and wit, finally disproved the popularly held belief that the pen is mightier than the sword.

Mr Evans had made a number of slights to noblemen across the country, and he was busy arranging dates and venues for the satisfaction the offended aristocracy demanded. In typically conceited fashion, he had promoted the events on his blog, facebook and twitter accounts, and had billed the series of envisaged resolutions as being the ‘conclusive proof of the dominance of the written word over all else’. Unfortunately, his claims were to be sharply refuted.

The first meeting, unfortunately, was to be the last. Having arranged a tour of the South Coast of England, he had decided to begin with a meeting between himself and the 3rd Earl of Shanklin. At 6am on the cliffs above Shanklin Chine, on the Isle of Wight. Evans and Shanklin chose their weapons. The Earl of Shanklin chose the duelling rapier. Julian Evans chose a Waterman pen and notepad.

The two men stood twenty paces apart in a square marked with handkerchieves. Each side’s doctor and honourable seconds were at the ready. The signal for the start of the duel was made, and both Evans and Shanklin set about their combat.

Evans got off to a promising start, quickly composing three stanzas of verse which parodied the later part of Shanklin’s career, but it was not enough. He was midway through the composition of a stinging rebuke of Shanklin’s family name when Shanklin’s rapier cut through his notebook, his chest, and ended the beating of his heart. Evans’s doctor and seconds raced to his side, but nothing could be done. As the sun rose over Shanklin Bay, so the delusional conceit and incomprehensible faith of Julian Evans ended.

Let us contemplate Wetherspoon's

2009-10-02T15:43:00.002+01:00

Wetherspoon's. Wetherspoon's. What can be said about this fine institution of the modern day? Surely, it is the forum where the class and age divide is banished. Where the consequences of sophisticated capitalism reach out to the product of simple socialising.

Fernandomando is currently in Wetherspoon's. It is a pleasant enough place, the alcohol is refreshing, and, thanks to the futures market, is remarkably inexpensive. The mix of elderly alcoholics and teenage binge drinkers is a joy to behold. The insane production of food from the overactive microwaves is done with such efficiency, and at such reasonable prices.

Who in their right mind, who is not concerned about the quality of the substances entering their body, could ever refuse such luxurious wares?

On top of all this, Wetherspoon's offers free internet access. As if to Crown its own glory, Wetherspoon's has the initials 'JD'. This is similar to the initials of THE MOST WONDERFUL DISCOUNT SPORTING GOODS RETAILER and also of THE BIGGEST PRETENDER TO PROPER SINGLE MALT WHISKY TO COME FROM AMERICA.

Fernandomando has yet to encounter any other POPULAR CHAIN OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES AND CHEAP FOOD that operates within the UK to such success.

And so, it must and forever be,

LO, BEHOLD THE GREATNESS

Jazz Bassoon

2009-09-28T20:34:00.002+01:00

Fernandomando has been searching for some jazz bassoon, and has found this man. HE IS LITERALLY WEARING SUNGLASSES AND PLAYING JAZZ BASSOON. He is a man who has rhythm, music, AND ASKS FOR NO MORE THAN THAT. Enjoy the brief jazz bassoon interlude.

AND MAYBE FREE YOUR MIND

The all pervasive bassoon

2009-09-26T08:49:00.001+01:00

Fernandomando has been astonished at the all pervasive nature of the bassoon. Not only is it a reed based woodwind bass instrument, able to perform for both classical orchestral pieces and modern jazz and popular music, it is also infiltrating THE MEDIA OF THE BBC. Not content to be mentioned on the popular newsbiscuit site, it featured on Radio 5 and is currently enjoying much popularity on the Chris Evans show on Radio 2. Fernandomando has also heard its mention on Radio 4, in the context of Friday night comedy.

It is no underestimate to say that the GREATEST LITERARY WORK EVER that is this blog has been the inspiration for the first few media mentions of this fine instrument. By INFERENCE OF CIRCUMSTANCE it is absolutely clear that it is also the inspiration of all other bassoon related references.

A small message to all who mention the bassoon- IT MUST PERPETUATE. TRULY, THE BASSOON IS THE FUTURE.

Fernandomando must end this short post with a plea. It is a plea for help, for assistance, FOR TRUTH. If there is ever a spare bassoon, that might be unwanted, Fernandomando will collect it, and will LEARN ITS SECRETS, to be played and displayed on this blog OF INSPIRATION TO ALL MEDIA.

I remain, your adjudicator,

Fernandomando

YES, FOR IT MUST BE.

Greetings to the many fans

2009-09-18T16:02:00.002+01:00

Fernandomando would like to say a very big thank you to all the fans of this humble blog. Frankly, this should have been done much earlier, but there have been many things going on.

What better way is there to greet and thank someone these days than by reference to a Youtube video? There is none.

Accordingly, please accept this video as a small token of fernandomando's gratitude for all your internet fandom. It is much appreciated.

Stuck on tables

2009-09-17T20:53:00.002+01:00

The simple table, holder of drink and food related items, has marked the block in fernandomando's ingenius mind. Having just 24 hours to think of a comedic submission about the banality of the table yielded only esoteric musings on the propositional calculus and a brief. poorly scored thought on superheroes turning the tables with IKEA furniture (although the image of He-man appealing to the power of literal fact remains amusing).

Fernandomando is rarely stuck for ideas, but sometimes the humour doesn't flow freely.

In other settings, Fernandomando considered prostitution and money laundering.

Normal service is expected to resume soon.

Lewisham lads experiment

2009-09-11T14:43:00.002+01:00

What follows is an experiment, and Fernandomando would appreciate any feedback. Attached is a podcast of sorts. No script, just thought up. BUT DOES IT MATCH THE GENIUS that is required of Fernandomando. AND WOULD YOU GO TO THAT PUB?

Newsbiscuit bassoonatic

2009-09-11T14:03:00.003+01:00

Fernandomando is a being heavily influenced by woodwind orchestral bass instruments. Not for him the gay prancing of the tenoroon. NO, ONLY THE BASSOON WILL DO.

For it is clear, and has forever been so, that this most bass instrument has TREMENDOUS POWER and pervades all known thought. One has only to look at SATIRICAL NEWS BASED WEBSITES and BBC RADIO 5 LIVE to know the TRUTH.

A writer of great comedy genius has written a story about bassoons, and it is worth a read. Have a look here

Not being an ABBA fan

2009-09-09T22:40:00.002+01:00

Fernandomando had missed this. However, it is clear that SEVENTIES POP ICON PROPHETS foretold the coming of the Bassoonatic. In homage and indulgence to these POP STAR SWEDISH SIRENS, the tribute to the future Fernandomando is replicated here:

Straight out of Compton Bay in 1992

2009-09-06T23:42:00.003+01:00

In a slightly unusual step, and much inspired by Compton Bay on the Isle of Wight and the postings of another blogger today (see Diary of a Ledger), here is a little video that Fernandomando managed to put together with a few spare minutes on Picasa.

The soundtrack is 'Straight outa Compton' by NWA.

If you look carefully, you might even be able to see Fernandomando in younger form (possibly wearing DM boots. Obligatory, it seems).

Sitting in McDonald's

2009-09-04T14:25:00.002+01:00

Expensive being that he is, Fernandomando adores the fresh clean smell of all McDonald's restaurants. On the occasional times when it is clear that some kind of refreshment must be taken, WHY NOT VISIT A PALACE OF THE BURGER?

Fernandomando wholly enjoys the smell of animal and vegetable fat at temperatures of around 185 degrees centigrade, warming up those lovely potatoe fries and apple pies.

It is also a place that offers free internet access, and is conveniently located close to the Dartford tunnel, in the MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACE IN THE WORLD THAT IS LAKESIDE SHOPPING CENTRE. What a homage it is to the laws of supply and demand, of global capitalism and motorised convenience. Truly, the most magical place.

However, to reveal a little more about Fernandomando, it is a paradox of his life that whilst battling the intractable problems OF THE GODS for a partial slice of his younger years, he would repay the reality of his debt through hard work at McDonald's. Within his knowledge is the '12-6 bun lay' and the realities of a closedown. Serving customers on tills took MOST LITERALLY their careful orders of Big Macs 'with no shit in it' resulting in a printed request to the kitchen staff expressed in those exact terms. The breakfast run would result in orders for a number of 'Cheesy Muffs' and THE MIRACLE of bored teenagers and young 20-somethings grouping together in a Hamburger factory was a joy to behold.

Sadly, those days are long ago, and Fernandomando now manipulates lives on a more life or death basis. BUT THEY WERE TIMES REMEMBERED- largely as toil, but sometimes fondly.

Therefore, if ever you are near the golden arches, Fernandomando urges you to patronise McDonalds.

Yes, it must be.

Will this take it above 2000?

2009-09-02T19:24:00.002+01:00

As Fernandomando nears the 2000 mark, here is a little sample of what has been going on with his mind. Thinking of amusing spoof news stories- see what you think:

Twitter obsessed Carol Blandford described the gruesome details of her own demise at the hands of her crazed and frustrated husband, a Court was told. Gilbert Sogley QC told the jury at the trial of her husband, Trevor Blandford, that they would hear evidence of her 'final tweets'.

The jury were told that Mrs Blandford had developed an obsession with the short message social network site Twitter. She tweeted about every aspect of her life, from the interesting to the downright banal. Tweets such as 'I'm putting the kettle on now' and 'I wonder if Anaconda is on Channel 5 tonight' became a routine part of her married life.

Over time, her husband became more and more frustrated. When he asked his wife a question, she would tweet a reply. If he asked her to pass the salt at dinner, she would do so in silence and then type up 'there you are' and post it on twitter. Mr Blandford slowly reached the crazed point of no return.

On the fateful night of 7th April 2009, Mr Blandford had had enough. Looking at the tweets immediately before the gruesome murder, it was clear that his temper was fraying. Mrs Blandford posted 'why didn't you wash up, you useless man?' at 19.43. This was soon followed by 'Yeah? Well at least my mother wasn't mental' at 19.50, and then the curious 'No I don't. 3 inches and 30 seconds? You're pathetic.' At 19.56.

The prosecution say that it was around 20.00hrs that Mr Blandford picked up the knife. Mrs Blandford tweeted at that time 'put that bloody knife down' and then at 20.03 she tweeted 'FFS, you've stabbed me.' At 20.08 she tweeted 'LOL. I'm losing a lot of blood but he will have to clean the floor for once' and at 20.10 it was 'Just been stabbed in the neck #realtimemurder'.

Certain later tweets have baffled detectives, however. Mrs Blandford tweeted at 20.15 and said 'The Shawshanklin Redemption #isleofwightfilms' and at 20.20 'http://twitpic.com/fz6eo only 99p'.

The case continues

'Bear Varying Nights' discovered as evidence of Gay Nazi Porn Film

2009-09-01T11:41:00.002+01:00

Life not so bad

2009-08-30T17:27:00.002+01:00

Amongst the chaos of the real world, Fernandomando has still been managing to find time to have some fun. This is a good thing, and not merely limited to physical pursuits. For some people, fun involves BEACH SPORTS. The attraction of this is very much appreciated by Fernandomando, but his fun has been more abstracted in nature.

The pursuit of comedy has been very much on Fernandomando's mind, and he has been spending more and more time baking suitable Newsbiscuits for the website of the same name. There is a certain style to the site, LESS FREE THAN THE AWESOME FREEDOM OF THIS BLOG, but it is a taking on the shape of a meritocratic social networking site, where respect is earned through skill.

Fernandomando goes through phases, and there are some overlaps between the posts of this, THE GREATEST OF ALL LITERARY WORKS and Newsbiscuit, but if anyone is missing the constant posts of Fernandomando, check out www.newsbiscuit.com and have a look at the writer's room. Be on the lookout for Fernandomando. Recent posts have included a mistaken trip to Compton Bay on the Isle of Wight by the NWA fan club, and the disillusionment suffered by a modern day Robin Hood.

On top of everything else, Newsbiscuit traditionally pokes fun at the Isle of Wight. This is surely THE GREATEST PLACE IN THE WORLD, given that it raised Fernandomando.

Fernandomando will spread himself as thinly as possible to ensure that everything receives his fullest attention.

Greatest of minds thinking alike

2009-08-18T12:03:00.002+01:00

While waiting for the slow wheels of justice to turn, Fernandomando decided to write a magnificent work of fiction. However, proving that great minds do indeed think alike, it transpires that his idea had come to another, 2 YEARS AGO. It was clear that Fernandomando's story could not be used, but could be shared.
Fernandomando has been through a bit of a rollercoaster ride himself recently, hence the inspiration. What follows is QUITE LITERALLY the greatest short fictional story every told:

The new ride at Alton Towers, ‘The Emotional Rollercoaster’ is proving a great success in these credit crunched times. Dubbed ‘the premiere lifestyle simulator in the world’ the ride has seen enormous popularity.

Martin Cross, a spokesman for the theme park explained, ‘we believe that we have successfully created the most entertaining ride of the 21^st Century. The ride itself has a number of unique features. It starts with the ‘Career mountain’ where passengers have to hang on to the cars for dear life, for fear of falling off at any stage. Only once it has reached the top of this part can they find some time to relax and enjoy the plain sailing downhill section. However, we can make this part shorter or longer, and even make it more of a plateau.

‘ After this, there is the tunnel of unexpected arrivals, where all manner of unexpected events, such as unplanned pregnancy, illness, relationship breakdowns, and the sudden death of a close relative have to be skilfully negotiated. For those that get through this part, the rewards are great, and there is an enjoyable ascent up the next section of the track where more pleasant features occur- such as unexpected financial windfalls, good health and relationship ‘second chances’. However, this merely lulls them into a false sense of security as, once they get to the top, they plummet at top speed down the ‘slope of redundancy and really bad cancer’. This continues for what seems like an eternity before the ride slowly comes to an end’

Customer reaction has been overwhelmingly positive, and profits at the theme park have doubled since its introduction. However, some consumer groups have expressed concern at the lesser reported sections of the ride. Margaret Knowles, a spokesman for health and safety groups said, ‘The self employed section, for example, is thought to be far too strenuous for most people as it involves constant ups and downs at forces of up to 3G, and this happens while being chased by angry creditors. We’d like to see this section replaced with a flat, slow, stretch of track called ‘the civil servant bypass.’

For the time being, however, the ride remains in its present form.

However, in in even greater greatness, the pre-existing story: here it is

The public service of the Bassoonatic

2009-08-11T13:20:00.002+01:00

On pleasant days, such as today, Fernandomando likes to be kind to the public and reveal the secrets of his peculiar world. A long time ago, a very good friend introduced Fernandomando to what is, surely, one of the best places to have a beer in London. It is the Balcony of the Royal Festival Hall, and is on the 5th Floor. One can LITERALLY purchase alcohol, then walk to the lift, travel to the 5th floor, and drink it overlooking the CLEAN RIVER THAMES.
Perhaps if you are there you might even spot Fernandomando. He likes to hang out there, and might even be visible (temporarily assuming physical form) in reflective surfaces in lifts.

Return of the Facebook Heckler

2009-08-11T01:11:00.002+01:00

Fernandomando has hidden the features of the innocent to protect their anonymity. However, it seems that the Facebook heckler has struck again (if his words can be deciphered) see here

The most serious of all fire-related tales

2009-08-11T00:32:00.000+01:00

Fernandomando's keen eye for fire related stories has been shocked by the contents of this latest TRAGEDY as reported by the IOW County Press. Such dedicated reporters are presenting the Isle of Wight as some Fire Ravaged Hell. Fernandomando had thought that this was a misrepresentation, until he learned the TRUTH. See for yourself, here, and

FEAR THE WHEELS OF PUBLIC TRANSPORT

Thanks to 'VIRTUALRANGER' for this important discovery

2009-08-11T00:13:00.001+01:00

Yet more disturbing and incendiary news from the Isle of Wight. Alerted by @virtualranger on twitter to this madness, Fernandomando has complied with his solemn duty to report on the reporters. The brave firefighters on the Isle of Wight CANNOT MOVE for reporters from the County Press LITERALLY REPORTING their very working life.
See more here

The Jamie Howell Trio

2009-08-09T15:39:00.001+01:00

Here is a video of the Jamie Howell Trio playing in London on a Saturday night

Fernandomando fears flux

2009-08-08T09:55:00.001+01:00

Thanks to the miracle of the FACEBOOK Fernandomando has learned that the greatest fear is that of change.
Amidst the superficial and near scientological nature of the quiz that appeared on the great book, no doubt with a view towards targeted marketing of cheap viagra, there was some measure of profundity to the answer.
CHANGE is the base of all fears- if you fear something you fear a change of one kind or another, depending on its severity.

However, Fernandomando was previously a being that embraced change, flux and progress. It is now clear that he must fear change. If asked, what should happen, in a change related context, the answer must be 'Nothing should happen, because I fear change'. If Fernandomando goes to the newsagent and pays with more MONIES for his newspaper, he will have to fear the contents of the newspaper AND fear the coins of smaller denominations that are given to him.

Fernandomando will have to find like minded souls and direct them with the following remarks 'Let us remain inert, yet not change in so doing. We are the FEARERS OF CHANGE and have always been so, for fear of fearing ourselves'.

Such a group would not be difficult to find, because THEY MUST ALWAYS HAVE EXISTED to avoid the group forming change.

WE ARE THE FEARERS OF FLUX. WE SHALL TEND TOWARDS THE INERT.

LO, IT COMES TO PASS

IOW the small fire capital of the news world

2009-08-06T21:27:00.001+01:00

Imagine the horror of such an incendiary location being such a small location. The number of newsworthy fires in the local newspaper is troubling. Look here

And there is more

2009-08-05T12:58:00.001+01:00

The disturbing number of near misses with fires is a matter of great concern to Fernandomando. How can it be that the Isle of Wight has so many newsworthy fire incidents, yet all are blessed with the good fortune that they are either extinguished or false alarms. For the third such incident, see here

Be careful what is said

2009-08-05T11:28:00.000+01:00

Still more amazing stories of fires on the IOW being extinguished before firefighters arrive. The bravery. Look here

More thank goodness

2009-08-05T10:55:00.001+01:00

Fernandomando noticed that a tragedy was bravely averted by the boldness and courage of the good people of the Isle of Wight. Let us hope that no more near-tragedies will occur, or that if they do there is an abundance of CARBON DIOXIDE. See here

THE NEGLECT OF DOOM

2009-08-04T17:37:00.001+01:00

Fernandomando has been neglecting his great forum for debate and the location where all true opinions are freely mooted in intellectual purity. The readers of the most magical blog the world has ever known must be desperate for more.
Why has this criminal neglect been allowed to sink in, and rot away at the very core of the GOOGLE for some weeks?
Because Fernandomando has been contemplating the relational matrix of other people, specifically those that have been staying at his palace.
There are few wonders in this world more spectacular than the palace of Fernandomando, yet it must also be kept secret, never to be revealed to MORTAL EYES.

Fernandomando has also found that he has been inextricably linked to the North East of England, the most beautiful town in the whole of the world that is the Middlesbrough. The art, the culture, the open minded free-thinking. It is a joy to behold. However, the glory of the Middlesbrough comes at a price, and that price is MANY HOURS driving in a car. Even as we speak, Fernandomando entertains the notion that it would be amusing to be sitting in Cambridge Services, doing his utmost to avoid the onslaught of sugar and fat at every octagonal edge of THE OCTAGON OF TEMPTATION.

But, he digresses. For too long has Fernandomando been munching on newsbiscuits and been concerning himself with the materialistic fripperies of nonsense, such as money for food and payments to the great usurers of CAPITALISM. It is time to come back and keep the non-paying readership entertained, for none of them have taken seriously Fernandomando's kind invitation to donate monies via the PAYPAL. All this must change, it will change. IT HAS TO.

THAT IS THE PROGRESS

THANK GOODNESS

2009-07-23T21:48:00.001+01:00

Fernandomando has been greatly concerned that ordinary citizens are losing, but fortunately regaining, consciousness. For more see here

LET US BID TO ERADICATE THIS TERRIBLE AFFLICTION

Been a long time since Fernandomando rock and rolled

2009-07-19T16:35:00.004+01:00

It's been a long time since Fernandomando rock and rolled. Yes it has. Oh yeah.
Fernandomando has been finding some comedic relief on the greatness that is the Newsbiscuit, but has also been struggling along in normal life as best as he can. What follows are the vague and random comments of a partially intoxicated bassoonatic floating in the midst of the crisis that is the economy and the public health crisis that is the SWINE FLU PANDEMIC.

As regular readers might already have gathered, Fernandomando has a view of the world that is only achieved via TOO MUCH study and highest education. A particular view of the madness that is the real, and the reasons behind it. In that regard, he is PERFECTLY POSITIONED to advance fallacious, yet compelling, reasons on how to beat the SWINE FLU DESTRUCTION OF THE WORLD that people are currently fearing.
Let Fernandomando say now, that construction of 'Swine Flu Plague Pits' are simply part of the 'Longstanding plan' that this Government has had for generations, going back as long as the 14th Century.
However, for those of us who know nothing of epidemiology or reason, the following preventative measures are advisable:

1] Now is the time to live life to its fullest. By this is meant sleep with as many different people as you like. You have nothing to lose, and you can't take your ideas of chastity to the grave with you. You never know, you might give / receive some much needed anti-bodies to this deadly virus without even realising. Obviously, this advice does not apply to the good people of the IOW, who have been practising such wisdom in blissful ignorance for centuries.

2] Take whatever credit you can. These are uncertain times. Michael Jackson famously released an album entitled 'Invincible' and look where he is now. However, despite such albums as 'Thriller, Bad, and Dangerous' he lived a life of credit to the extent that he died several hundred million dollars in debt. If foolish financial institutions are willing to lend to the 'soon-to-be-deceased-anyway' then take what you can, and have the time of the rest of your short life. Any ideas of 'pension, old age, career progression' and the like should be immediately discounted.

3] Remember the Mayans. Fernandomando has already predicted the end of the world (see here), by the intricate consideration of the Mayan civilisation and the complicated use of binary. 2012 is when it is all going to end. Unless you are a builder and working on the Olympics, in which case it will end in 2015 as there were 'unexpected complications with the build'. Remember, you are not a builder.

4] For those of us who will survive this latest plague on human civilisation, there will need to be funding in place for the divine ruler and emperor of the known surving world. In order to govern effectively in that position, Fernandomando has a stark choice- either raise taxes later and impose a mandatory 'tithe' system on all survivors, or take the MANY MONIES that are required now. Conveniently, paypal is still going to survive the MINI-ARMAGEDDON that is upon us, and anyone who donates MANY MONIES now can rest assured that they will enjoy discounted treatment in Fernandomando's future realm.

These are the four undeniable self-evident truths of the Bassonatic. You would be wise to follow them. Anyone who chooses to ignore them is

WILFULLY IGNORANT

Fernandomando and taxing matters

2009-07-11T09:19:00.001+01:00

Fernandomando is a being that exists on credit and debt. For him, finance is but one academic exercise after another. Whereas most people enjoy the relative certainty of the wage or the salary, Fernandomando expends much effort seeking the fee. This can have advantages, but similarly it can have its downsides.
Fortunately, Fernandomando's ENTIRELY ETHEREAL NATURE enables him to view the entire process as yet another branch of mathematics- specifically ARITHMETIC and SUBTRACTION. There are very many things in this world that stake a claim on Fernandomando's monies, not least that GREAT and NOBLE being that is THE GOVERNMENT.
Who could disagree with such logic from the GOVERNMENT that those who must pay tax should pay half again, before they have earned it. After all, the GOVERNMENT printed the money, so it is technically theirs to do with what they will. Taxpayers of the country should REJOICE at the prospect of being able to pay more to this FINE GOVERNMENT before they have even earned such monies as to incur such liability. Further, how great it is that when Fernandomando waits to be paid for work done, in some cases over a period of years, he should already be made to pay tax on what he is waiting for. Indeed, this is a marvellous line of credit that has been created, with the ordinary taxpayer being in the perfect position to fund the government's spending.
Fernandomando has watched with pride at the uses to which his unlimited line of credit has been put to: leaflets instructing people how to use their toilets safely, and the text message service for struggling parents are but two of the high points of the genius of the UNLIMITED SPEND.

Surely, there can be even further ways of using up this unlimited line of credit? Fernandomando suggests the following advice (after a national debate and consultation, of course):

1] A leaflet advising people how to safely go about making a cup of tea. Scalds from boiling water must cost the NHS literally hundreds of pounds per year, and can reduce the productivity of the employment market. Via an expensive Private Finance Initiative, Fernandomando proposes to spend many millions of pounds on intensive advice, leaflets, and television advertisiing.

2] Surely, the number of people who are stung on the nose by bees when smelling summer flowers is a national concern. An investment of £60million on an education programme that advises people to 'Take care of the Bee' will do much to stop this all-pervasive problem.

3] Who could deny that there is a real probability of tragedy if there is unlicensed disposal of uneaten toast in the morning. Imagine a magpie, crow, or pigeon taking this toast from an opened bin. Quite aside from the serious implications for the health of these fine birds and other animals, if the toast is then dropped, butter side down, on the pavement, and someone slips on it on their walk to work, it could cost the NHS many monies and also lead to a disability benefit claim. So much better to spend £1billion on a new system of education, consultation and privatisation of all things toast.

LET US HOPE THAT OUR GREAT AND DEAR LEADERS TAKE MORE OF OUR MONIES IN TAX FOR SUCH VITAL AND NECESSARY PROJECTS.

PLEASE, MR BROWN AND MR DARLING, INCREASE THE TAX BURDEN ON US ALL TO FUND YOUR ENTIRELY NECESSARY MEASURES OF PUBLIC SPENDING. PLEASE, TAKE MORE OF OUR MONEY BEFORE WE EVEN REALISED WE WERE GOING TO GET IT.

DO THIS

BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE

Fernandomando is the saviour of global capitalism

2009-07-02T14:14:00.002+01:00

Indeed, there are few subjects more interesting in this world than the life and times of Fernandomando. How could anything compete with HIS ETERNAL GREATNESS.
However, it can now be exclusively revealed that there is a solution to the great global capitalism debate on the many monies that have disappeared in the intellectual sophistry on which the GREAT PYRAMIDS found themselves to be standing.
Amidst the chaos of the REAL, Fernandomando can reveal himself as the true saviour of global capitalism. To explain this, some reflection on history is an absolute necessity.

1] Many times ago, man was a hunter and would live in small tribes. Hunting would include everything, including small fish and rodents, as well as SOME CATS.

2] Developing from this theme was the miracle of the Agriculture. For the first time, things would grow in fields, and thankfully grain fermentation was discovered.

3] With this came Feudalism. This was the theory of 'divide and rule'. Honest farmers would literally start feuding with each other, sometimes resorting to EXTREME VIOLENCE. Overseeing this feudal system were Lords.

4] Then came Capitalism. People moved to capitals, spent there monies, laughed, and reflected that everything was 'a capital idea'. The many advantages of capitalism outweighed the obvious disadvantages of fraud, prostitution, starvation, and poor health and safety at work.

5] For a time, there was communism. This involved a key group, calling themselves the SRMC (Stark Raving Mental Communists), in a desperate bid to set the price of grain centrally. Obviously, such a move was destined to be unpopular. And so it was. Many people stood up to the threat of this ideal of everyone living according to the views of the ruling parties.

6] We returned to capitalism, this time making sure that, with the use of quadratic equations and a betting system securitised by very clever professional roulette players, there would never be anymore difficulty for anyone.

HISTORY HAS FAILED US IN OUR ECONOMIC ORGANISATION

Fernandomando has now discovered the truth and reality of perfection. He is truly the saviour of modern times and the global capitalist force that it consumes. The mistake has been to look to history, rather than geometry, for ideas about the ideal economic state.
Who could disagree that the sum of the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the two remaining sides?

THE ANSWER IS NO ONE

From this one truth, which is clear and distinct, and geometrically true, can all of the CAPITALISM be now based.

Truly, it is two-dimensionally proven.

FERNANDOMANDO therefore urges you to donate many monies and 50 pences for his PAYPAL important research.

Yes,

it is axiomatically correct

Fernandomando has been eating newsbiscuits

2009-06-29T15:46:00.002+01:00

It is rare indeed that Fernandomando would ever recommend an internet site that was not his. It runs against the genetic self-interest that is all pervasive in the world of the Fernandomando. However, in recent times Fernandomando has been taking bites from THE NEWSBISCUIT and has even been scoring quite well (if you ignore the most recent submission). What follows is literally the funniest spoof news stories ever submitted by fernandomando to the genius of THE NEWSBISCUIT:

North Korea declares war on The Vatican City

North Korea has declared war upon The Vatican City. A note was sent on Saturday from North Korea to the Pope with the following message 'Dear Vatican City. For too long have you been the world's smallest nation. Either you become the world's largest nation, by tomorrow, or we will declare war upon you.'

Neither Kim Jong-Il nor Pope Benedict were available for comment.
fernandomando :: Sun 28 Jun 22:30 :: Average score 5.15 ::

Internet blogger 'not interested' in a spoof tribute to Michael Jackson

Internet blogger Gary Collins has shocked readers by stating that he was 'uninterested' in making a spoof tribute to Michael Jackson on his blog. 'I'm simply not interested in any kind of spoof tribute to this poor man. I have no interest in making ironic comments about the way this man led his life,' he wrote.

Fans of Michael Jackson are said to be outraged at the stance taken by Mr Collins. One fan commented 'How dare you ignore the potential irony in comments about how Michael Jackson managed to touch so many children. People like you make me sick'.

Mr Collins was unavailable for further comment.
fernandomando :: Sat 27 Jun 22:31 :: Average score 7.89 ::

Michael Jackson found canoeing in Panama

Michael Jackson has been found alive and well in Panama. Undone by a photograph published on the 'Make a new life in Panama' website, it appears that he has committed a fraud in order to cash in on his life insurance.
fernandomando :: Fri 26 Jun 22:21 :: Average score 7.59 ::

Jackson's death reveals details of solar, lunar, and party litigation

Following the death of Michael Jackson, the gagging orders obtained regarding his litigation against all manner of solar and lunar scientific exploration companies are now at an end. It appears that, when attempting some especially difficult pop dance manoeuvres he had been distracted by light reflecting from both solar and lunar telescopic equipment and suffered some personal injury. One particular case named the owners of solar and lunar telescope companies, as well as the member of his entourage who had organised the party that was to follow the accomplishment of the new moonwalk move.

Hardened fans are said to be appalled that, despite singing much to the contrary, he clearly had blamed the sunshine, moonlight, and the good times.
fernandomando :: Fri 26 Jun 20:28 :: Average score 6.36 ::

Fernandomando invites you to view THE NEWSBISCUIT for yourself by clicking here

In other news, Fernandomando has installed specialist software that can track your movements and see how it was that you came upon him. One lucky internet reader was searching for 'disadvantages of Jethro Tull's seed drill' and was directed to Fernandomando. Another was searching for 'bassoon loans'. The most popular search appears to be for the CULINARY GENIUS from the Isle of Wight who has already appeared here.
Finally, although Fernandomando's influence is not limited simply to THE EARTH, his many fans in Australia have not appeared on his ANALYTICAL CHARTS. This must be remedied at all costs.

Fernandomando's farewell to Michael Jackson

2009-06-25T23:59:00.003+01:00

The icon of the King of Pop is dead. Michael Jackson, the dancing popster famously acquitted of child sexual abuse, famously the previous owner of 'neverland', famously bleached with his skin and the changer of his nose, skin colour and hair, is no more.
Fernandomando thought he had an excellent technique with his specialist dancing shoes, he had a skilful knowledge of the workings of the microphone and the amplified musical world.
His confidence in his ability to change the world continued to his issue. His skilful use of disguise for all his children continued throughout the MANY HOTELS that they accompanied him to. He was able to change the world- his many monies led to a settlement that led to NO CHARGES being brought for child sex abuse, some years before he actually did stand trial AND WAS ACQUITTED.
He famously sang about his concerns about Bosnia. He persistently denied impregnating Billie Jean.
In his youth he expertly sang about the alphabet and mathematics.

Fernandomando enjoyed his song where he repeated 'You better be starting something'. How sad it is that he will now never be able to follow the instructions of the lyrics. Mr Jackson also sang that one should not stop until you get enough. Unfortunately it appears that he died heavily in debt, so again he failed to live up TO THE REALITY OF THE LYRIC.

Many people have claimed that he touched them when they were children. Certainly, anyone who grew up in the 1980s will have memories of his musical talent.

Is there any blame in this matter? Certainly nothing solar, lunar or disco related. But perhaps too many sleeping pills.

FERNANDOMANDO is in a state of MOURN.

FERNANDOMANDO'S DAY: REMEMBER THE MOTHERS

2009-06-21T15:44:00.002+01:00

FERNANDOMANDO has been enjoying father's day, but cannot help reflecting on the wisdom of Mr T. Yes, it is father's day, and it is the father's SACRED RIGHT to sleep in and then watch Formula One after a nice roast meal, maybe even indulging in an grain based alcoholic beverage. However, without mothers there could be no fathers.

This has been an issue of great concern for Fernandomando, and has made him resolve to ensure that never again is his own mother treated anything less than 'right'. Of course, sacrifices will have to made to achieve this end- revenues will drop from the annual 'Mother Baiting, with dogs' event, and the cellar dungeon will finally have to be redeveloped into the den / games room, but we are talking about a point of principle here.

What sane man could ever doubt the sheer veracity of the message contained in the wisdom of Mr T's words. The challenge to you, dear reader, is to also refrain from treating your mother any less than 'right' on this most fatherly of days.

FERNANDOMANDO AND THE DIGITAL WORLD

2009-06-17T01:38:00.002+01:00

Fernandomando has welcomed the announcement of THIS FINE GOVERNMENT about the digital revolution with open digits. The plan for dragging the UK into the Digital Age has caused Fernandomando to reflect on the various ages of man, and the possible future ages we have to look forward to.

1] The Stone Age- it is where it all started, with man harnessing the awesome power of THE STONE.

2] The Bronze Age- who would have thought that ancient smelters who harnessed the power of THE BRONZE would finally defeat THE STONE.

3] The Iron Age- smelting and mining came into its own. IRON is a truly cosmic element, YET IT WAS HARNESSED IN ANCIENT TIMES. Iron defeated THE BRONZE.

4] The Agricultural Age- a time of great uncertainty and disease, some say that ORGANISED AGRICULTURE was a miracle. Certainly, Jethro Tull's pioneering seed drill was unsound.

5] The Industrial Age- a thankful way of protecting children from the career path of prostitution- they could, instead, work 16 hour shifts IN THE MIDDLE OF STEAM POWERED MACHINERY.

6] The Digital Age- this will be a time of great communication, where those fluent in BINARY will be revered as GODS.

But what will come after the Digital Age? This is the future and needs careful analysis, but Fernandomando knows that his casual speculation might accurately represent THE FACT OF THE FUTURE.

What follows are the unsound speculations of the bassoonatic:

After the digital age the world will see a time of dominance of ARGON.

Yes, ARGON, that most noble of gases, will herald the next age of man.

Why does Fernandomando say this? Well, who could disagree that Argon is an asphyxiant in the poultry industry, either for mass culling following disease outbreaks, or as a means of slaughter more humane than the electric bath?

SUCH REASONING IS SELF-EVIDENTLY VALID, TRUE, AND COMPELLING

Yes, it is so

This is a test of Google Docs and Fer...

2009-06-17T01:15:00.002+01:00

This is a test of Google Docs and Fernando's Bassoon

Why not click here for a circular repetition of electrical information.

SUCH FEATURES MAY BE USED IN THE FUTURE

THE MIRACLE OF THE PAYPAL

2009-06-15T18:12:00.002+01:00

Those that read the blog with careful attention will have noticed that Fernandomando has included a new feature to the blog, much to the reader's financial disadvantage. That feature has taken the guise of a SPECIAL AND NEW FRIEND. It is THE PAY PAL.
Fernandomando is always looking for new methods to MAKE MONEY FROM THE GENEROUS DONATIONS OF OTHERS and believes that he has found it with this feature. With just a few clicks the reader is lauched into the dizzy world of FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTIONS TO A COMPLETE STRANGER, funding, as they will, the purchase of various luxuriant capitalist fripperies so necessary in Fernandomando's curious brain.
BUT BEFORE YOU RUSH TO DONATE, consider this. The brain energy that it takes to come up with such amazing literature is immense and unimaginable for the average being. This energy is solely dependent on MANY MONIES.
Further, the thought processess behind all the entries in this blog are dependent on many complex inter-relations of the universal language of binary. That, plus the universal language of mathematics, provides the very axioms by which Fernandomando exists.

If final proof were needed, it is here: The simple sentence 'DONATE ALL YOUR MONEY TO FERNANDOMANDO' translates, I am sure you will agree, to the following binary expression:

'01100100 01101111 01101110 01100001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100110 01100101 01110010 01101110 01100001 01101110 01100100 01101111 01101101 01100001 01101110 01100100 01101111'

If you then delete all 152 zeroes in this statement, you are left with the following statement:

'111 111111 11111

111 1111 1111 1 111 1111 1111 1 11111 111111 11111 1111 1 11111 111111 11111 1111
11111 1 1111 111111 1 1111 1111 1111 11111 111 11111 111 111111 11111 111 11111
111 111111'

This consists of 152 ones. Now, when mathematics is applied to 152, and its constituent numbers are added together, the result is the disturbingly accurate '8'. If we then multiply 152 x 8 we get 1216. 1216 divided by 45 equals 27.022222222222222222222222222222, and this number multiplied by 51 equals 1378.1333333333333333333333333333. The figures 45 and 51 are relevant because they represent the number of ones (45) and zeroes (51) in the binary translation of 'YES IT IS SO' (011110010110010101110011001000000110100101110100001000000110100101110011001000000111001101101111). Careful scrutiny of our resultant figure of 1378.1333333333333333333333333333 is useful as it reveals the number '1378'.

As we are all keenly aware, '01378' is currently unused as a telephone area code, yet sits DISTURBINGLY COMFORTABLY betwen area code 01377 (Driffield, North Humber) and 01379 (Diss, Norfolk).

APPLYING GEOGRAPHY we know that a journey between these two magnificent towns would take around 4 hours 9 minutes in a car because it is a distance of 214 miles.

The disturbing truth of reality is that 214 miles in a straight line from Paypal HQ can take you to Middlesbrough. Surely, there is no prettier a town in the whole of the United Kingdom than MIddlesbrough. But also note that Middlesbrough contains the word 'middle' in its name. Think back to the position of the unused area code 01378 and realise that this is no coincidence.

BUT IF THIS IS NO COINCIDENCE, THEN THE MESSAGE OF THE PAYPAL IS CONCLUSIVELY PROVED.

Therefore it is your solemn duty to donate to THE PAYPAL

Wonder of 1998

2009-06-14T23:33:00.001+01:00

There is a tale to be told, and then some, about Fernandomando's previous incarnation and his life and times in 1998. Fernandomando is considering whether or not to reveal this to the world. Comments of encouragement would be welcome.

OH NO!

2009-06-13T11:44:00.002+01:00

Fernandomando has been alerted to mischievous wickedness. See the full story here.

What wicked miscreant could contemplate such a wicked act of CRIMINAL OFFENDING?

They must be found AT ALL COSTS

FESTIVAL OF FERNANDOMANDO

2009-06-13T09:31:00.001+01:00

Not to be outdone by the summer festival season, Fernandomando is planning his own 'FernandoFest'. Certain features must obtain for this festival to be the outstanding success that it was always destined to be. Fernandomando makes a sacred covenant that the following original concepts will be included at this FINEST OF ALL FESTIVALS:

1] Corporate sponsorship will extend to include the 'Ringtone tent'. A big top where the best of all mobile ringtones are played throughout the festival. This will be done by the best groups of tracksuit wearing teenagers on a stage that simulates public transport.

2] 'TYPHOID TERRACE' Fernandomando promises to save precious monies by not making any proper facilities available for toilets. Instead, there will be an open trench, running up to the stage. THIS WILL RELEASE VALUABLE FUNDING FOR MORE EPHEMERALLY POPULAR MUSICIANS.

3] 'KNIFE DISPUTE RESOLUTION AREA'. In recognition of the growing use of knives by young people, Fernandomando will provide a designated area where any disputes can be resolved by use of such weapons. Issues such as 'shall we have Thai curry or M&S sandwiches?' or 'Do you fancy seeing this band at the main stage or this one at the big top?' can all be satisfactorily resolved in this area, in the time honoured manner. Further ideas are that those seeking resolution of their dispute should dress as Christopher Marlowe and / or the Duke of Buckingham.

4] LIVE TELEVISION COVERAGE will be provided by the most popular deluded narcissists of the day. Fernandomando will ensure that only those with the ability to literally be as interesting as a tepid glass of water will present selected highlights of his festival, always ensuring that the best bits are sacrificed for the pre-recorded genius that is a relaity tv show entitled 'Britain's next top prostitute'.

5] FERNANDOMANDO promises that, in addition to the regular supply of alcohol, there will also be a representative sample of all high street banking companies, selling low interest loans with a 10 year repayment period designed to 'make the price of alcohol at the festival affordable'. Why bankrupt oneself in the short term when it can be spread out over 10 years at a favourable rate of interest? Drinking overpriced beer out of paper cups is a sacred right that should be available to all, and the loans can quickly be sold off and securitised via a complicated formula that relates to each way bets on the Grand National.

6] The pit of mud. Instead of asking festival goers to make complicated provision for rain, Fernandomando will construct a pit of mud that will extend into literally hectares of coverage. All camping equipment will be swept away by festival staff, and at regular intervals. Festival goers will be encouraged to jump into the pit of mud. At an appropriate stage, Fernandomando will release 76 wild pigs into the mudbath.

Fernandomando will continue to plan his FESTIVAL GENIUS PLAN. Any and all suggestions are welcome.

YES IT IS SO.

THE POLITICAL PROTESTATION OF THE BASSOONATIC PART 2

2009-06-09T15:28:00.002+01:00

Of the 15 things that can be said about polictics, 3 have already been uttered. However, the unique events of the past few days merit further analysis. What follows is the bassonatismic analysis of things 4-5:

4] Mathematics and politics go hand in hand. Clearly, we are all familiar with Godel's theory of the incompleteness of mathematics. YET FEW OF US REALISE THE INCOMPLETENESS OF POLITICS. Consider this simple example: If we translate the word 'POLITICS' into its numerical form (assuming the standard alpha-numeric translation, such as a = 1, b =2 etc) we get 16(P) + 15(O) + 12(L) + 9(I) + 20(T) + 9(I) + 3(C) + 19(S). If we add these numbers together we get 103. If we add the constituent numbers of 103 (ie 1 + 0 + 3) we get 4.

Here is the strangest part, if we think of the word 'Politics' and then subtract the number we first thought of from 4, we get 3.33333333333 recurring.

THUS DEFINITIVELY PROVING THE INCOMPLETENESS OF POLITICS

5] There are 646 constituencies in the UK, each sending an MP to Parliament. If we divide 646 by 3.33333333333 recurring we get 193.8000000001938000000001938. If we look closely at this number, we see the number '01938'. Obviously, this is the telephone area code for Welshpool. Due to Welshpool's small size and population the attraction of high street stores is limited, meaning many of the residents are forced to shop in neighbouring towns like Newtown and Shrewsbury.

FERNANDOMANDO WAS BORN IN SHREWSBURY AND IS THEREFORE THE CONCLUSIVE FOUNDER OF UK DEMOCRACY

THIS IS THE MYSTERIOUS TRUTH OF THE FACT OF THE CONCLUSION, AND THE TRUTH THAT THEY DO NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW

Fernandomando will learn you

2009-06-07T23:57:00.005+01:00

Having watched with wonder at this year's stunning climax to the sensual and seductive series that is The Apprentice, Fernandomando has decided to enter the process himself.

CERTAIN RULES FROM 'THE PROPOSITIONS OF THE BASSOONATIST' MUST BE OBEYED, HOWEVER.

1] Fernandomando must operate at 5 million per cent efficiency throughout the programme. He must also ensure that his fellow competitors and future employer realise this. When the lesser fools THAT ARE THE OTHER COMPETITORS start talking about their meagre '110 %' Fernandomando promises to immediately remind everyone that he has been giving 'Sir Alan' (or ASLAN- see below) 5 million per cent.

2] It is unlawful for Fernandomando to recognise the title that has been afforded to 'Sir Alan'. Instead, Fernandomando will refer to him only as 'ASLAN'. Therefore, Fernandomando expects regularly to be saying 'Yes ASLAN' and 'I have given you 5 million per cent ASLAN' and 'Actually I never bought any of your electronics ASLAN' and 'is this boardroom table made of stone ASLAN?'

3] It is against the propositions for Fernandomando to be made to rise at 6am every morning. Instead, provision will be made by ASLAN for Fernandomando to join the task WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT, and to sleep in and watch DAYTIME TELEVISION if that is his preference.

4] In the unlikely event that ASLAN decides not to hire Fernandomando, 2 things must happen. Firstly, ASLAN should not tell Fernandomando that he is fired. In the event of breach of this agreement, ASLAN must fund all Fernandomando's applications for unfair dismissal to the local employment tribunal, and must explain how it was that he did not pay Fernandomando despite purporting to 'Fire' him (and explain the same to HMR&C). Fernandomando should be permitted to stage a banner protest with banners saying 'PAY THE MINIMUM WAGE'. Secondly, in the unlikely event that Fernandomando is forced to walk the walk of recently dismissed shame, Fernandomando must be permitted to point to the clear fallacy of reasoning that has led ASLAN to such a decision, and should be able to resort to vulgarities IN THE TAXI to illustrate his point. All swear words and personal insults are permitted, and editorial control of this part of the programme, including final decisions on what is broadcast, must go to Fernandomando.

5] In the more likely event of success, Fernandomando will announce on 'The Apprentice: You're Hired' that he is staging a hostile takeover of ASLAN, and that he had better get control or else he will 'send in the boys'.

Apart from these 5 qualifications, Fernandomando is looking forward to entering into the spirit of a fine show.

BASSOONATISMIC ROMANTICISM

2009-06-07T02:04:00.001+01:00

FERNANDOMANDO IS UNAPOLOGETIC FOR HIS TERMINALLY ROMANTIC OUTLOOK ON LIFE.

Some say that life is determined. THIS IS FALSE.

Some say that life is based on confectionary. THIS IS HOLLYWOOD EMOTIONAL NONSENSE.

Some say that life is based on poetry. THIS IS THE CONCLUSION OF THE INFERENCE OF THE FACT OF THE REALITY.

Life is poetic. Yet it conforms to no rhyme nor reason. It has no imagery beyond what is made of our mental minds. YET IT IS MAGICAL WITHIN THE POETIC MEANING OF THE TERM.

It is open to misuse, abuse and THE NONSENSE OF THE MUNDANE.

Fernandomando is a being based on coincidence. He is a thing that walks the literal knife edge of our reality, without fear or favour. Yet what is said on behalf of others is so uneasily employed in his own defence. THIS IS THE CURSE OF FERNANDOMANDO.

And so, it is true, completely and utterly. And thus we can see.

POETRY ON THE IOW FERRY

2009-06-06T09:04:00.001+01:00

Fernandomando has recently travelled on the IOW car ferry and has seen the local summer magazine for the Island. Within this magnificent work of travel literature was a section on poetry.
Fernandomando marvelled at the quality of the poetry. The slavish devotion to rhyme was such that all other aspects of the poem suffered compromise in its formulaic rigidity. TRULY THE POETRY WAS A WORK OF GENIUS.

Such has been the influence of this LITERARY GENIUS that Fernandomando has himself decided to write a poem, dedicated to yesterday's journey on the Wightlink car ferry:

Travelling to the Isle of Wight
We hope that everything's all right.
Arriving full of mirth and merry
We love to wait 2 hours for FERRIES

Hunger pangs began to bite
But we knew that all would be all right
Interest free loans, credit cards and all that
Makes affordable the bacon bap

Once aboard the boat we look and listen
And contemplate the ferry's position
It stopped in the Solent without explanation
Yet our complete lack of knowledge caused no frustration

The rhyming couplets of Wight Living
Concerned Fernandomando from the beginning
Amateurism, obsession, and literary ignorance
Has left Fernandomando IN A TRANCE

Fernandomando has revised completely his outlook on metaphor, simile, rhyme, and the meaning of poetry.

THE POLITICAL PROTESTATION OF THE BASSOONATIC

2009-06-05T22:53:00.002+01:00

Fernandomando can say 15 things about politics, BUT NEVER IN ONE BREATH.

In a previous incarnation, Fernandomando had lost his voice DUE TO GOVERNMENT OPPRESSION.

It is clear that some analysis of politics must take place. In normal times we pay journalists many monies to analyse and commentate. Very few journalists choose to conduct a BASSOONATISMIC ANALYSIS OF POLITICS AND GOVERNMENT. What follows is Fernandomando's attempt at this.

1] The word 'POLITICS' is easily translated into 'POLICE STATE'. All that is needed is to take 'TIS' from 'politics' and add 'ESTATE'. Think about police vehicles that travel on the motorways. THEY ARE USUALLY TRAVELLING IN ESTATE CARS WITH TRAFFIC CONES IN THE BACK. Tis true.

THIS IS THE FACTUAL CORRECTNESS OF TRUTH

2] The word 'GOVERNMENT' is an anagram of 'MONGER VENT'.

THIS IS THE DISTURBING REALITY AND TRUTH OF THE FACT.

3] Finally, the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, is himself an anagram of 'ORB WORN DONG'

FOLLOWERS OF THE BLOG, SUCH WICKED REALITIES ARE THEREFORE REVEALED BY THIS COMPULSIVE REASONING

LO, IT IS SO

YES, FOR IT MUST BE

FERNANDOMANDO BACK ON HOME TURF

2009-06-05T10:54:00.001+01:00

Fernandomando will be back on home turf for the next few days, therefore is unsure of the content of the next entry in the blog.

No doubt, some controversial local columnist will stir him into action, or perhaps there will be something magical to contemplate.

WHATEVER THE EVENT, FERNANDOMANDO WILL REPORT

IT IS HIS SOLEMN DUTY

THE LED ZEPPELIN PARADOX

2009-06-01T23:26:00.001+01:00

Fernandomando hereby observes that there are few who are not acquainted with the works of Led Zeppelin. They made catchy songs with a good beat and sing-a-long lyrics, such as 'Moby Dick'.

HOWEVER

There is a dark side to the band. They were very interested in the ancient mysteries of logic during their time together. Some sinister reports have equated the mysterious signs on some of their albums to be ATTEMPTS TO CREATE NEW LOGICAL CALCULUS WHICH BETTER INCORPORATES THEIR IDEAS OF MODALITY.
It is not for Fernandomando to comment on such darkness.

BUT THERE IS A PARADOX:

Fernandomando was contemplating the song 'How Many More Times?'
Fernandomando put the song on repeat.

Fernandomando realised that the number of times could be expressed with the variable 'n'.

Fernandomando also realised that the number of times that 'How Many More Times?' could be listened to could be put on a list.

Fernandomando then realised that discussions about the limitations, nature and properties of this list were discussions on the 'meta' level.

AND THEN THE SUDDEN MOMENT OF REALISATION OCCURRED.

All talk about a list on the 'meta' level gives rise to a 'meta-list'. If we then return to our choice of initial variable and add that variable to the 'meta-list' we achieve the following result:

MENTALIST

Fernandomando is considering his entry for Britain's Got Talent

2009-05-30T07:50:00.003+01:00

Next year's Britain's Got Talent will soon be upon us, and Fernandomando is considering his entry. It must be unique and original. Fernandomando is limited by a number of factors, NOT LEAST HIS LACK OF CORPOREALITY.

IDEAS FOR PERFORMANCES THAT HAVE ENTERED HIS MIND INCLUDE:

1] 'Fertility'. Fernandomando will literally impregnate 4 women live on stage
2] 'Tears of a Clown'. Fernandomando will come on dressed as a clown, forget his lines, start crying and aim for the public sympathy
3] 'Blog Writer' Fernandomando will literally write a blog entry live on stage
4] 'LIMErick' Fernandomando will cut up 5 limes whilst reciting his favourite limericks
5] 'Drunk Tightrope' Fernandomando will consume 5 cans of Tenant's Super, live on stage, and then attempt a tightrope walk
6] 'LOGICAL ANALYSIS' Fernandomando will closely examine the arguments of audience members
7] 'ANIMAL CRUELTY' Fernandomando will mistreat 4 different species of animals, live on stage
8] 'VEGETABLE CONSPIRACY' Fernandomando will lecture the audience on the evils of vegetariansim

THIS IS THE INSPIRATIONAL TRUTH OF PERFORMANCE.

YES, IT IS THE CONCLUSIVE TRUTH

Here is the ANTIDOTE

2009-05-28T00:51:00.002+01:00

A RECENT VIDEO WAS MADE THAT TRIED TO MAKE LIGHT OF THE ISLE OF WIGHT

It disgracefully ignored the many benefits of the Isle of Wight.

FERNANDOMANDO PREFERS THE VIDEO THAT IS FOUND HERE

SURELY THIS IS THE TRUE REFLECTION OF THE IOW?

THE ANSWER IS YES

OH NO!

2009-05-27T22:23:00.004+01:00

ONE OF FERNANDOMANDO'S FAITHFUL FACEBOOK FOLLOWERS HAS ALERTED HIM TO THIS

SACRILEGE

To view it for yourself click here

How can it be that such a violation can exist, that this desecration is permitted to be.

Even on the marvel of the internet there are dangers. What would occur if a small child innocently stumbled across this profanity, or if an elderly pensioner had their dreams dashed by logging on to THE INTERNET and discovering such wickedness?

Fernandomando has consulted the sacred book entitled 'Fernandomando's propositions of the bassoonatismic doom' and has found the SOLUTION.

WE MUST OCCUPY THE ROOF OF YOUTUBE UNTIL OUR DEMANDS ARE MET. THIS IS PREJUDICE OF A DUODECIMAL SCALE.

Lo, it comes to pass.

1998

2009-05-26T01:41:00.000+01:00

FERNANDOMANDO HAS BEEN REMINISCING ABOUT 1998

Truly, it was a year of greatness. Amazing things happened.

BUT IS THERE SOMETHING MORE SINISTER TO IT STILL?

Let us conduct an experiment.

Firstly, if we add the numbers of 1998 together (1+9+9+8), we get 27.
If we add 2+7 together, we get 9.
There are two nines in '1998'. If we multiply our resultant '9' by '2' we get '18'. If we split the '1' and the '8' and then reinsert two '9's, we get '1998'.
THIS IS THE MATHEMATICAL MIRACLE.

Secondly, if we express '1998' in its binary form, we get '00110001001110010011100100111000'

This is formed of 18 zeroes and 14 ones. if you split the '1' and the '8' you have the first and last numbers of '1998'.
If you then multiply 14 by 7.071428571 you get a figure that is so close to '99' that it SHOULD BE 99 REALLY.
THIS IS MATHEMATICS PROVING ITSELF.

Thirdly, if the numbers are translated into the alphabet, using a simple code (ie 1 =a, 2 = b, etc) then you get 'AIIH'

THIS IS THE CONCLUSIVE PROOF OF THE FACT