Intellectually challenged militant-socialists bring down school hierarchy

The Isle of Wight branch of the Militant Extreme Socialist Society (“MESS”) today launched an unprecedented assault on the class system that it perceived in the local community. Employing a whole range of common agricultural implements from their collective smallholding, they marched on three local primary schools, swiftly deposing the headteachers and immediately abolishing the ‘class system’ that had been in place at those institutions.

Announcing the revolution to thirty bewildered and visibly upset 8 year olds, the socialist plan was made clear. MESS swiftly instructed all children that there would no longer be division of the [school] population into classes. Instead, there would be a general collective of which everyone was part, and no one person was bigger than. There would no longer be a headteacher; instead there would be a nominal figurehead that represented the collective enfranchisement of all members of the school who would be granted absolute power insofar as he or she had to maintain the integrity of the workers’ struggle against oppression.

The revolution was sadly not completely smooth. One unfortunate child was given school detention for a term of 21 years after daring to question whether the supply of Snickers Bars in the school tuck shop would continue to meet the demand previously shown. Several class teachers and members of the PTA were executed as being the ringleaders behind various ‘cake sales’: such behaviour clearly giving out a pro-capitalist message.

‘We have achieved a mini-socialist revolution via our crude agricultural weapons,’ announced a jubilant member of MESS, ‘These children will no longer be trained to become exploited resources of the capitalist state. We reject this curriculum that trains children to be the puppets of the financial system, and instead intend to apply forthwith for Academy status so that the true socialist message can prevail.’